


Less Than Five Minutes

by bumbershootindeed



Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Angst, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-04
Updated: 2019-09-05
Packaged: 2020-02-26 01:08:21
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 20,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18713410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bumbershootindeed/pseuds/bumbershootindeed
Summary: "I have to ask you for a favor.""Okay..."Less than five minutes. In less than five minutes Matteo had absolutely guaranteed his own destruction.AKA: David needs Matteo to pretend to be his boyfriend. And Matteo needs literally anything other than that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> @thealpacalypse on Tumblr posted some Davenzi fic ideas earlier. I saw one about "Fake Dating" and my mind went wild. Here's what happened.  
> (This could be continued, for the record, if anyone wanted. Let me know. It's definitely the beginning to something but I've never written Davenzi so I thought I’d just start here.)

“I have to ask you for a favor.”

 

Matteo closed his locker, and as it shut, his favorite face appeared behind it. David stood in front of him, brows furrowed slightly, one side of his mouth turned up. His hands were in his pockets, as usual. He looked good, as usual. But Matteo couldn’t make out what his expression meant. He looked almost resigned… as if he was doing something he needed to but didn’t quite want to.

 

“Okay…” Matteo shifted on his feet. He cocked his head to the side with a smile.

 

“I need you to come to a party with me.” David said, looking up towards the ceiling, and then down again. He pursed his lips and swore under his breath.

 

“Uh huh…” Matteo could tell that wasn’t all.

 

“And um…” David took a deep breath and huffed out the rest of the sentence with a sigh. “I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend.”

 

Matteo gulped. His jaw clenched. _What?_ He searched David’s face for some hint of a smile, some indication that there was a laugh coming, a punchline. But David just stood there, unmoved.

The word _pretend_ slapped him in the face. The word _pretend_ made his insides shift, tremble, ache in a way he had been avoiding for a while. But he just swallowed, and cocked his head.

“Why?”

 

David rolled his eyes and took his hands out of his pockets, running his hands over his face and through his hair.

“Laura has been hounding me for months about my love life.” He looked down. “Or lack of one.” Then back up. “Just endless questions and pestering and the other day I just couldn’t _take_ it anymore so I…” Matteo watched David as his line of sight shifted quickly between his own eyes and his mouth. So quickly. Blink and you’ll miss it. David groaned. “… So I told her I was with you.”

 

Matteo blinked slowly. He didn’t quite know what to say.

“That you were with… me?” Matteo finally questioned.

 

“That we’re together.” David pointed between them. “That we’re dating.” He threw his head back with another groan. “Please don’t make me spell it out, Matteo, this is so embarrassing-”

 

“-It’s fine.” Matteo blurted. _Shit_.

 

“What?”

 

“It’s fine. I’ll go. I can play boyfriend. Did it long enough with Sara.” Fuck!

 

David let out a bright laugh.

“You were a piece of shit to Sara.” He said, eyes crinkled. Matteo laughed.

 

“Wow! Low blow.”

 

“Sorry.” David smiled softly. “But seriously, you’re okay with this?”

No. He’s not. Not entirely. This is a nightmare.  
Matteo leaned back against his locker, turning his head towards David.

 

“Yeah, why not?” Matteo shrugged. “But why the party?”

 

“Laura’s girlfriend is throwing one and apparently Laura’s misplaced promises for my attendance at things are law. If she says I’m going, I’m going. I can’t get out of it.”

 

“And why does your boyfriend need to go?”

 

David stuck his hands back in his pockets, and shook his head.

“Apparently it’s the ‘perfect’ opportunity for her to meet you. She’s crazy. I can’t fight her anymore.”

“So you need me.”

David closed his eyes and nodded.  
“Mm.”

“When is it?”

“Friday”

“Okay. I’ll be there.” He had no choice now. He was totally fucked.

“Thanks.”

“Yeah.”

They stared at each other for a second. And another, but seconds feel like minutes when you’ve just agreed to fake-date the boy you’re in love with.

David was the first one to look away. As always. All Matteo gets is a soft, breathless, “Okay. See ya.” before David’s slowly turning and walking away. But Matteo suddenly had one more question.

 

“Hey, wait. ” David turned around, eyebrows raised in question. Matteo swallowed. “…Why me?”

 

David looked down. And then back up Matteo. He stared for a second, eyes searching, questioning, and Matteo wondered why this question seemed to cause David so much wonder.

David shrugged.  
“Convenience?”

 

Matteo nodded. David smiled. His look almost too discerning, and then he’s gone.

 

Less than five minutes. In less than five minutes Matteo had absolutely guaranteed his own destruction.

Convenience. _Convenience_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooooooooh. What on earth could that mean?? Hehe. Come talk to me on tumblr @skamandallthat. You guys are lovely. Thanks!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got so much lovely feedback on Tumblr almost immediately and I was so inspired that this just... flew out of me. So, it's messy but I think that'll end up serving for this part. Thank you to everyone who has left kudos. It feels good to write again.

Matteo had been pacing since the moment he got home.

 

_ I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend. _

 

Pretend. Pretend. Pretend. Pretend.

 

The whole thing felt so wrong. So, indescribably wrong. 

Matteo had fantasized about a very different version of this for months now. He had fallen and then retreated, pined and pined and then healed. Or so he thought. But the second, the _second_ those words were spoken, even in that order, in that context... it all came crashing over him again.

 

When David had transferred schools, Matteo noticed him immediately. The kid in advanced PE with dark hair and deep brown eyes and the  _beanie_   and that smile and the laugh that could cure depression. It had. It had cured his. David had helped him out of his room, out of his head, out of the closet. David gave advice when needed and silent companionship when it wasn't. He was gentle and kind and funny and beautiful and everything Matteo had ever wanted and he had thought- 

 

For a while Matteo had thought there was a chance that he could be something David wanted too. When David had come out as trans to him Matteo thought it was the beginning of David finally trusting him. Trusting him with more. Wanting _more_ with him. David meant everything to him and had  been  everything and he wanted to be that for David too. 

 

But David never gave many signs after that. 

Matteo wasn't blind. He definitely felt the tension in the beginning, the force drawing them together. He noticed David's flirting and had assumed he knew what that meant. But as time went on, and nothing ever came of it, Matteo knew he had to let go. 

So he did. He let go. 

As time went on he started to wonder if maybe this was the way David was with everyone. David was just... enchanting. Always. No matter the situation, David had this dreamy quality that reverberated and knocked out everyone he came in contact with. So, maybe Matteo wasn't special. Maybe what he noticed in the beginning was just the rawness of experiencing David for the first time. That made it easier. Not any less heartbreaking, but after a while Matteo could finally breathe around him again. Talk with him again without staring at his lips the whole time. Without wondering what would happen if he just... kissed him. He didn't wonder anymore. He couldn't let himself. 

 

But now. 

Now he knew he hadn't healed at all. No reworking, no rewiring had been done. All that had happened was that Matteo had done what he's so good at. Pushing things down. Ignoring them. Think about anything else. _Pretend_. _Pretend_. _Pretend_. 

 

Maybe he'd be good at this, after all. 

 

But how was he going to be close to David, act out this fake scenario where he's gotten everything he's ever wanted and then... as soon as everyone they're pretending for has left just... stop? How will he compartmentalize this? Can he? No. 

If just thinking about having to hold David's hand for the sake of putting on a show has him shaking like this then this isn't a good idea.

He can't do this. He won't.

 

Matteo picks up his phone and opens David's contact. His thumb hovers over the call button for what feels like minutes before he's dropping it on his bed. He runs his hands through his hair and takes a deep breath.

 

David asked for a favor. It's just one party. Doesn't have to go further than that. He can do one party. Hands on lower backs, kisses on the cheek. Whispers in each other's ears. Just... vicinity. Dancing. 

_ Dancing. _

Fuck.

 

His phone buzzed. 

The text that showed up on the screen when Matteo picked his phone up secured his fate. 

 

** To: Matteo **

** From: David **

_** Thanks again for this. I owe you one  ** _ ** ♡ **

 

Matteo closed his eyes. So he's doing this. There are no other options. David needs him, and Matteo always wanted to be something David needed. 

Just... not like this. 

Definitely not like this.

 

 

 

 

Matteo wakes up on Friday morning feeling like absolute shit. The dread begins to eat him alive almost as immediately as he opens his eyes. But what's worse, is the excitement.

 

He feels disgusting for feeling any sort of anticipation in this. 

 

This should just feel like a favor. There should just be dread. There should not be even one sliver of him that's excited for the opportunity to touch David or be close to him without having to worry about David finding out how he feels. Without ruining this. 

 

His mind circles back to the conversation earlier in the week. The question. Proposition? 

 

_ "Why me?"  _

David's silence and then... 

_ "Convenience?"  _

 

It makes him laugh now. Convenient for who? Certainly not for Matteo. In fact, this might just be the least convenient thing he's ever been asked to do. 

 

Matteo rubs his hands over his eyes and sits up. When he checks his phone, there's a text from David.

 

** To: Matteo  **

** From: David  **

_** Hey, "boyfriend"**_

_** I'm gonna pick you up around 6 tonight, that cool?  ** _

 

Matteo's heart skips a beat. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. Boyfriend. NO. Fake-boyfriend. Boyfriend, as a favor. Boyfriend, with quotations.  _Pretend, pretend, pretend._

 

Matteo stares at his phone for a while, not sure how to respond. Does he play back into the joke? The joke. His heart pangs. 

 

** To: David **

** From: Matteo **

_**Yeah, that's fine** _

 

He can't bring himself to write anything more. This doesn't feel funny to him. Not at all. He kind of wishes it wasn't funny for David either. He wishes this wasn't humorous to him. He wishes this hurt as bad for David as it does for- no. 

No, he doesn't want that. He'd never want that.

 

That's why he'll do this. Because David needs him and that's enough. That'll be enough. He can hold onto that. 

 

David needs him so Matteo is going to be someone worth needing. 

End of story. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh frick.  
> Let me know if more is desired!! Thanks :))


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is so fun to write. I'm so excited to see where this story takes me, tbh. Thanks for all your replies on Tumblr! It means the world :))

When the apartment bell buzzes, Matteo feels his heart attempt to travel up his throat. He takes one last look in the mirror, running his hands through his hair.

 

He looks like shit. He always looks like shit but in this moment in particular, he looks exceptionally shitty. 

He didn't know what kind of party this was. If he could, he'd wear his rattiest shirt and rattiest pants. But suddenly some stakes have been added to what he wears. Tonight he needs to look good. Needs to make a good impression. Needs to look like the most worthy fake boyfriend he possibly can. 

He had settled on his best fitting jeans and a black hoodie. Classic. But still shitty. Sigh.

 

Matteo buzzes David up, and waits, leaning against the frame of the open doorway. The ascending footsteps sound like gunshots. He's overstimulated. It's all too much. He should feel more relaxed about this. At least try to have some fun with it. It's just pretend after all? 

 

_ Ha. _

 

When David makes his way around the corner he stops dead in his tracks. It's interesting, how time always seems to slow when they look at each other. Everything else fades away, it's just David and Matteo. They're gonna be fine. Matteo can do this, he can enjoy himself. Put on a show. 

 

As Matteo calms, he squirms. Suddenly he feels David's eyes on him all the more.

 

"Stop looking at me like that. I feel degraded." Matteo jokes.

 

David moves at that, as if his body has finally pressed play again. He laughs.

 

"Shut up." He sticks his hands in his pockets, still smiling wide. "You just pulled out all the stops, huh? Did you... did you brush your hair?" David places his hands over his mouth dramatically in surprise. 

Matteo rolls his eyes, but still huffs out a laugh.

 

"You're such an asshole."

 

"Seriously though, you look good." David says, casually. Matteo swallows. _Keep going, you're doing it, this'll be fine._

 

"Anything for my boyfriend." Matteo replies, wiggling his head.

 

\--

 

The bike ride to the party is long. David is in his element like this, pushing himself to go faster, harder. The evening wind sweeps the hairs that sit at the back of David's neck, right outside his beanie. Matteo gets so distracted by them that he almost crashes a few times. 

 

 

Keeping up with David is hard. Not only in situations like this... that physically David was born for. But in general. It always seemed like David was one step ahead, one comeback ahead. He's better at cycling, at school, at talking, at just being himself and sometimes Matteo finds himself so swept up in David's currents that he loses sight of his own plans and thoughts completely. Everything is David.

 

Especially right now.

 

 

They arrive at a house, one of the more obviously run down buildings in the neighborhood, but still on the nicer side of town. They decide to lock up their bikes on the surrounding fence and Matteo tries to catch his breath from the ride. He somehow manages to keep up with David nowadays, but just barely. He ends up sweaty and breathless no matter how long the ride.

 

 

Matteo turns his head to look at David who, of course, is completely fine. He's more than fine, he's breathtaking, and that's really not helping Matteo's breathing problem.

 

 

David turns towards Matteo, still bent over locking up his bike, and smiles. It's knowing, which is jarring but it's also comforting. Because it's David and leave it to him to be both the illness and the treatment.

 

David looks back at his lock and finishes up, hands shaking from adrenaline.

 

"We should probably talk about some boundaries, yeah?" David says, quietly. He looks at Matteo through the corner of his eyes, and purses his lips. 

 

 

"Boundaries?"

 

This feels like a really ironic conversation to be having when Matteo can't seem to look anywhere but at David's lips. He looks up. Anywhere else.

 

"Yeah, y'know... like what we're both comfortable with. Touching, wise." 

 

Matteo short-circuits. 

"Touching..." 

 

"Mm." David stands up and turns towards Matteo, putting his hands in his pockets.

 

"I mean... how long have we been dating?" 

 

 

David freezes.

 

 

"What?" 

 

"Like, how long have we been together? In your story... what did you tell Laura, exactly?" 

 

David's gaze darts from eye to eye and then... anywhere else. He starts toeing at the gravel underneath him. 

 

"Um... not long? Uh- I don't remember exactly what I said to her but-" 

 

David's stuttering. Matteo understands, suddenly. He smiles. 

 

"How long?" Matteo asks.

 

David looks up at him. 

 

"What?" 

 

"How long have you been lying to her?" 

 

"I don't know what you're-" 

 

"David. Come on. How long?" 

 

"Two months." 

 

Matteo spins, arms coming up to rest on the sides of his head. He starts laughing in disbelief. "Oh my god! What?" 

 

"You don't understand, dude. She's relentless. Having this lie to fall back on has been such a life saver and I'm sorry, I should have told you but-" 

 

David rambles while Matteo stands there, still laughing, shaking his head. This is ridiculous. 

_ Two months?  _

 

"You are so fucked." Matteo giggles. 

 

"You have no idea."

 

"Okay." Matteo runs his hands through his hair, trying to process. "So... we're in the honeymoon phase." 

 

"Sure. Also you and I got into a fight last weekend and that's why I didn't leave my room for a whole day." 

 

"You blamed that on _me_? You couldn't have just told her you were hungover?"

 

"I-"

 

"-This is so much to process. I had no idea my best friend was a compulsive liar." 

 

That sends them into the biggest fit of laughter yet. Deep, from the soul, hands on knees, wheezing and gasping for air laughter. 

When they come up for air everything stills. Matteo can see his breath in the night's cool air. David's too. 

 

David's features soften. 

 

"For the record, I'm fine with anything. Just make it believable, please."

 

"Yeah." Matteo, replies, barely a whisper. Because _'I'm fine with anything'_ is one of the most unbelievable, and unforgivable things David's said to him yet. Forget the fact that he's been used as a tool to get him out of trouble with Laura for the last two months. Forget it. David gave him a bone.

 

And Matteo's gonna use that bone. 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Djdjdjrjrj why am I shook over my own story.... wtf lol. Anyways, hit dat kudos button and don't forget to subscribe and ring the bell to turn post notifica-


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As I wrote this scene my heart started racing. I've realized that this story has included a lot of inspiration from the story I've been writing and rewriting since I was 13, never getting it right. I know it's late and I'm probably delirious but this feels like something I was meant to write. It feels like I'm finally getting those scenes out of my head that have been stuck for so many years. This is so cathartic. I'm pumping these out so fast because its a story that's been sitting in me for so long. I have to get it out, even at the expense of sleep. You guys are the best, thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

When the door opens, loud blaring music flows into the street. Is this house soundproof? Matteo thinks, and David must be thinking something similar based on how wide his eyes are. David turns his head to look at Matteo and Matteo does the same.

_Thank you._ David mouths.

They give each other one last look before walking through the door.

It’s almost scary how naturally it all goes. As they walk through the door Matteo places his hand on David’s lower back. He feels the muscles there flutter and then relax. David’s jaw tenses. It sends chills down Matteo’s spine.

The place is packed. There’s barely any room for walking which is why it’s so surprising when immediately they see Laura swimming through the crowd to come greet them. David looks at Matteo. He looks terrified. Matteo runs his hand along David’s lower back to his side, leaves it there, gently and then mouths,

“I’ve got this, okay?”

David nods.

He tries not to notice David’s breath hitching as his hand moves.

“Babies!” Laura exclaims as she arrives.

Laura pulls them both into a hug, closing the distance between David and Matteo completely. He swears he hears a sound come out of one of them. It was hard to discern. Laura smells like lavender and alcohol. An interesting combination.

“You must be Laura.” Matteo removes his hand from David’s back and offers it out to Laura. She takes it, and her handshake is strong. Matteo beams at her.

“And you, the infamous Matteo!” Laura squeals.

“You’re sloppy tonight.” David tells her, laughing.

“Mm. Yeah. Affirmative.” The last word comes out more as one syllable than four.

“Well, I’m gonna go get a drink. Apparently I have many levels to hit until I reach yours.” David replies. Laura laughs.

Matteo straightens. Grabs David’s hand. David looks down at their hands linking and then back up at Matteo. The shock on his face is so apparent that for a moment Matteo thinks he’s done something wrong and loosens his grip. But David doesn’t let him. He holds Matteo’s hand firmly and squeezes it.

“I can get you a drink.” Matteo says, breathless.

“Okay.”

Their hands parting feels like it happens in slow motion.

As Matteo pours their drinks in the kitchen, he can see David and Laura still talking. He reads her lips as she points at him indiscreetly.

“He’s cute!”

He swears he sees David smile at that. He swears he sees him nod. And then David’s turning his head and they lock eyes… and Matteo must have a very telling look on his face because David just raises his eyebrows like: _and what about it?_

Matteo nearly loses his mind. He definitely pours too much into the cup and it spills over.

The first hour is easy. They sit next to each other on a couch in the corner. They talk like normal. Except whenever Laura is in the room there’s an added layer. There are added touches.

The second hour… the second hour is priceless.

Matteo makes some joke and when David laughs, instead of throwing his head back, it lands on Matteo’s chest. Matteo wonders for a moment if David could feel his heartbeat. It’s pounding.

They’ve each had a few drinks by now. Matteo can definitely feel it. The warmth in his bloodstream, the buzzing in his head. It’s good. He’s tipsy. It’s not too much, just enough to add to this. To help him really feel it. He doesn’t want to miss this.

Matteo turns his gaze from the crowd to David and finds David looking at him. Piercingly. Lovingly. _Is this the alcohol? That’s a glimmer, right? That’s what I saw in the beginning, right? Please, don’t let it be the alcohol. Let it be David._

David smiles and his head drags towards the crowd slowly, his eyes only leaving Matteo’s at the last second. His cheeks are flushed, and he takes another sip of his drink. Matteo’s eyes dart immediately to the collision of his mouth with the cup. David takes a swig and then licks his lips. Matteo can hardly breathe. David huffs out a laugh. Matteo smiles.

“What?”

“You’re staring.”

“And?”

“You’re drunk.”

“Makes this easier.” Matteo admits. Felt like the right thing to say. David swallows and turns his head back towards Matteo. He nods, just once, just barely, but Matteo catches it. He feels like he’s catching everything. He feels like he’s catching David. Everything is slow enough.

Eyes drift down to lips.

Back up to eyes.

Once, twice.

And then,

“Do you want to dance?”

How is everything feeling both so surreal and more real than it ever has?

“Yes.”

David sets down his cup.

There isn’t really a dance floor. But music is playing and people are moving and it feels right.

The song is electronic but moody. Matteo feels it in his bones. He thinks David does too. Because as soon as they reach the middle of the room after parting through the sea of moving people, David starts moving like he’s never heard another song. Like this song was made for him.

Matteo’s never been one to dance. Never been one to know how to just let go and feel it and move just for the sake of moving. But David is. His eyes are closed and he’s smiling wide, gums and all. He’s stunning. Matteo always knew that but in this moment it’s just so clear. Painfully clear.

So Matteo can’t resist, he can’t help but move the same, give into the pull of David because honestly? This is all that matters. David is _all that matters_ so it just feels right, it just feels inevitable when Matteo is moving right up in front of David and placing a hand on his waist. And even though it didn’t seem possible that David could smile wider, he does. And Matteo notices.

Suddenly the song changes. It’s still danceable but the tempo is slower. David’s hips move accordingly. Matteo just follows David. And then David’s arm is resting on Matteo's shoulder and they’re getting impossibly closer. Every sway to the beat drawing them nearer to each other and nearer to the truth. Matteo’s tells himself that. _We’re closer. We’re getting there._

Matteo feels like he hasn’t taken a breath in minutes. He’s dizzy. How is he supposed to breathe when their hips are locked and David moves like it’s his job and they’re so close that Matteo can make out every single eyelash on David’s unbelievable face? It’s unreal. And then Matteo notices David’s not smiling anymore and his heart drops but then his eyes open, and his pupils are blown and they just stare.

David looks so ridiculously honest in that moment that Matteo swears to himself he’ll never let go.

Never, ever. This is it. This is real. This is the truth.

David’s lips part. Matteo takes in a sharp breath.

“Why is it easier?”

The question feels like a dare, and Matteo goes to speak, but as soon as his mouth opens David looks away. He takes just the slightest step back. And Matteo almost reaches out, almost tells him why it’s easier, anyway. Almost stops David from taking it back. Retracting the question, the progress. But he doesn’t.

Because he suddenly feels very sober and because… _pretend._

David grabs his phone out of his pocket. He unlocks it.

“Shit. It’s almost 1am. I- ” Matteo looks down at his feet. He should’ve seen this coming. _Idiot_. “I have work tomorrow.” Matteo looks up, slowly. David’s waiting for him there. Eyes sorry. “I have to go.”

“You’re not biking.” Matteo declares. He’s had too much to drink.

“No, I’ll get a ride with Laura. She can fit my bike in the trunk.” David bites his lip. “Are you good? Do you need a ride?”

Is he good? The question sounds laughable right now.

“I’m fine.”

David’s face falls. He thinks for a second. For a moment it looks as if David’s changing his mind, but then he nods, curtly.

“Okay. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Matteo nods, gives him the best smile he can muster. But he knows without a doubt it sucks. He’s not fine. Will he ever be?

David turns slowly, about to take a step, but then turns back, puts a hand on Matteo’s shoulder and kisses his cheek. It’s gentle, but he stays there a moment longer than Matteo would have expected before letting go. “Bye.”

Matteo stays exactly where David left him, defeated, for longer than he’d like to admit.

So much for being thrown bones. These bones were lies.

He’s a liar.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotta sleep now. Leave me comments to wake up to?


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys are unreal. Your comments on the last part were such a treat to wake up to. All y'all on tumblr are unbelievable as well.
> 
> I touched on this in a response to an ask I got there but I feel like me again, writing this. 
> 
> I haven't written in so long and I've been scared I couldn't anymore so all of your comments mean more to me than you could ever understand. 
> 
> Writing was everything to me, until it wasn't. But that's coming back. And that's thanks to you guys.
> 
> So this is for you. Enjoy.

The morning crashes over Matteo like a tidal wave as soon as he opens his eyes.

 

_Last night wasn’t real, right?_

 

It was real until it wasn’t. It was real until David lied. Until David retreated. It was real until David gave him a sign and then took it right back.

 

Except, in reality, all of it was real. Even down to the last moments where Matteo felt his heart being forcibly removed from his body. When realization crashed over Matteo in the harshest of ways.

 

It was pretend, and Matteo took it too far. He thought, for a second, about David’s eyes when he had finally opened them on the dance floor.

Brown had been shoved aside to make room for _dark_ , and _want_ and you can’t fake that, right?

 

But clearly Matteo was wrong. He had read it all wrong. He had drank too much, things had gotten too fuzzy. The lines had blurred.

 

He knew this would be hard. But this hard?

 

He could never have imagined it being like this.

 

_“Why is it easier?”_

 

You know why! Because when he’s sober and he has to think before he moves, contemplate before he acts, he _can’t_. He thinks too hard. Matteo freezes. There’s a tiny part of him that thinks David does too.

 

David must think he’s disgusting now. A line crosser. Boundary ignorer. He groaned.

_No._

David said he’d call him today. He had given Matteo something to hold onto. Something clear. _I’m not running._ A promise. A confusing promise.

 

 _David wasn’t disgusted by him_ , Matteo tried to tell himself. David had shut down. Shut him out. If even just for a second. He does that sometimes, and they always came back. This would be okay. It had to be okay.

 

Matteo sat up in bed and brought his knees up to his chest.

 

He thought about their timeline. He thought about all the times David had been sitting right there with him, opening up, but just barely. There was always this… restraint. Always glimpses of information and honesty and Matteo always wanted to know more but he knew better than to ask.

 

The first time he asked David for more, he had left. For a while. He came back, but it took time. Time that almost crushed Matteo. Honestly, time that _did_.

 

It wasn’t outright. He didn’t come at David with,

“Hey, I’m in love with you but I don’t know what we’re doing and I need to know, I need you and-”

 

 

No.

He’d done it smartly. As gently as possible. And David still left.

 

–

 

_“You’re my favorite thing right now.” Matteo breathed out after minutes of contemplation. He had wanted to say ‘the only thing’. You’re the only thing that matters._

 

_They were laying in Matteo’s bed, facing each other and talking about… everything. As they always did. Except, no. Matteo was talking about everything as David asked questions, listened, hummed in response, eyes open and inviting, prying Matteo open and bare with just one look._

 

_Time had slowed for a while. Silence fell between them. They just stared. Took it in. Took each other in. And then Matteo had to speak. Because if he had to take David in for one more moment without David knowing, without David understanding what this meant… he might not be able to do this anymore._

 

_So, therefore…_

**_You’re my favorite thing right now._ **

 

_David’s eyes had widened. Just barely. His eyebrows shot up and then back down, he looked away, smiled. Then a shift, he frowned. Turned on his back. Matteo’s heart stopped._

 

_“I shouldn’t be.” He had said._

 

_Matteo pondered that. Why not? How could David be anything less than everything? It’s David, he’s- he’s light. Embodied._

_“Why?”_

 

_“I want you to have more than that.”_

 

_More than what? More than him? If he has David how could he ever need more?_

 

_David turned his body back towards him._

 

_“You’ll need more than that.”_

 

–

 

Matteo wondered about those words for months. He wondered about them now.

 

 _When?_ When would he need more? It was so foreboding it rocked him to is core.

 

All he needs is David and David is something he can’t have.

 

That, over time, had become mind-numbingly clear. Matteo vowed to let go again.

_David like this is better than no David at all, remember that._

 

He shook his head and looked down at his phone, ironically, David was calling. He had turned off his ringer when he went to bed.

 

Matteo sighed. It sounded more like a whimper. He picked up the phone.

 

“Hey.” David started.

 

Matteo ran his free hand through his hair.

His heart stopped. Started again, slower now.

 

“Hi.” Silence. Loud silence. A silence that sliced through Matteo’s heart and mind. He swallowed.

 

“About last night-” David started.

 

“Did Laura buy it?” Matteo blurted, stopping him. _Whatever you’re about to say, please don’t. I’m begging you._

 

“Oh uh…” David trailed off. Matteo heard him swallow. It was loud. His throat must be dry. _Is he okay?_ “Yeah. You were great, she loved you.”

 

_Wish you would love me._

 

“Nice.” He replied. It came out pathetic. Lacking. There was nothing to say here. He didn’t want anything said. He didn’t want David to justify or explain. He didn’t want answers. He wanted the pain to stay exactly how it was, unmoved. If not fixable, then he wants nothing.

 

“Mm.” David hummed, low in his throat. The best sound. A few beats. “Are you free tonight?” He then asked. His voice was shaky. Why was it shaky?

 

“Uh… I can be, I guess, why?”

 

“I have something I want to show you.” David said quietly. What? Matteo shifted, played with a loose string on his duvet cover.

 

“Okay.” He said, barely above a whisper. He heard David swallow again. It was loud again. Then silence again. _Waiting_ … David cleared his throat.

 

“Okay, I’ll text you.” Louder this time.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“Later, then. ”

 

“See ya.”

 

When he hung up he tossed his phone across the bed.

 

_I have something I want to show you._

_I have something I want to show you._

_I have something I want to show you._

 

 _ **Please.**_ Matteo thought. Just show me the truth. Show me your heart. Anything.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> !!!!!! Hm.....
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr. @skamandallthat. 
> 
> Hit kudos if you felt something LMAO
> 
> Please give me your thoughts! They inspire me so much.
> 
> Love y'all.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well this took just about everything out of me. Hope you enjoy. Love you guys <3

Matteo can’t focus all day. No matter how hard he tries.

 

**David.**

 

_I have something I want to show you_ , replayed in his mind. David’s shaky voice. The sound of his swallowing. The silence.

 

**David.**

 

He barely moves from his bed, only getting up to grab an apple around three. He can hardly eat, hardly think. The night before runs through over and over in his head.

 

_Makes this easier._

 

Sure does. Matteo can’t help but spin. He contemplates getting a beer out of the fridge.

_No_.

 

It may be easier like that but he can’t fall down that hole again.

So he just sits. He plays his game for a while, checks his phone. Hans barges in at one point with some playful description of something but Matteo doesn’t hear him. All he hears is ringing.

 

And then a buzz.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

**I’ll be over in 30.**

 

Matteo panics, shooting out of bed. He runs over to his mirror and groans. Why didn’t he shower? Why did he wait around all day? The ringing comes back. _Make do_ , he tells himself.

 

He grabs one of David’s beanies that he had left there recently and puts it on. Grabs a hoodie to cover up his wrinkled shirt. He rubs his hands over his face, hands landing on either side and pulling down. He looks just about as horrible as he feels.

 

Since when did he care what he looked like?

 

Since David added stakes. Since David reminded him of what he’d been trying to hard to forget. Since he was confronted with his worst fear:

 

_David could never see him that way._

 

–

 

The apartment buzzer rings. Matteo walks over. Answers.

“You coming?” David yells through the intercom.

“Ya.” Matteo replies.

 

–

They bike and they bike and they bike. Matteo just follows. He has no idea where they’re headed, nor does he want to know. The speculating about where they’re going keeps him from speculating about what David wants to show him.

 

The strenuous biking isn’t helping the fact that Matteo can’t breathe today anyway.

 

Can’t breathe lately.

_May never breathe again._

 

And then suddenly David’s slowing.

 

They aren't… anywhere. They’re outside the city, on the outskirts of some small forest Matteo didn’t even know existed.

 

But of course David did.

David knows everything.

_Except the thing Matteo wants him to know most._

 

He hops off his bike.

 

“Where are we?” Matteo asks.

 

David doesn’t say anything. Just purses his lips and nods behind him, signaling Matteo to follow him. His eyes are bright. He looks both sure and unsure. Matteo follows.

 

–

 

They walk for what feels like hours. Stealing glances. Shoulders grazing. David has his hands in his pockets for the most part, only removing them every once and a while to take out his phone and snap a picture of some plant. A cool rock. Animal’s footprints.

 

Matteo toes at the ground as he waits.

 

It’s awkward.

 

Things are rarely awkward between them. Tense? Sure. But awkward… that’s just something that’s never happened. He’s not sure what to do with it.

 

David draws him out of his head.

 

“Over here.”

 

Matteo finally looks up. He’d been staring at the ground the whole walk. The view in front of him is beautiful. Stunning. Trees upon trees lit up by the stars. Dreamy. Wonderful.

 

Nothing in comparison though, to how David looks right now. The chilled night air has given his cheeks a red tint. His hair is sweaty, messy. He looks like a dream.

 

Matteo wishes this was a dream.

 

It’s both too close to and too far away from everything he wants.

 

David turns to him with a gentle smile. “Come sit.”

 

There’s a large rock to the right of them, the trees around it somehow parting just perfectly so that it’s lit by the moon. It feels like a spotlight. He’s drawn.

 

They make their way over and sit atop it. No one says anything for a bit.

 

Suddenly David draws in a sharp breath. He looks down just slightly. His eyes close, and he takes a breath. It looks like a preparation. _For what?_ Matteo can’t get his lungs to do their job.

 

David turns towards his backpack. He unzips the big pocket and pulls out his journal.

 

Matteo had seen some of David’s journal.

 

The first time they hung out, David had been rifling through his things and Matteo stopped as he saw a wrinkly leather journal peak out.

 

_“What’s that?” Matteo had asked._

 

_“Uh…” David looked at him, searching. He smiled hesitantly and then said, “My journal.” He looked down. “My art.”_

 

_“Show me.”_

 

_David had looked at him with wonder. He had obliged._

 

_Matteo was absolutely floored._

 

_David was so talented that it made his heart hurt. The drawings screamed **help me** and **love me** and **want me** and it was then that Matteo knew that’s all he wanted to do. _

 

_Help David. Love David. Want David._

 

He sure had mastered the last one.

 

 

From then on David would show him a drawing here or there. A poem he wrote. A snippet from a script for one of his movie ideas.

 

The amazement never wore off. Each time Matteo saw a new creation of David’s he was just as astounded at the first time.

 

David never stopped being shy about it. Matteo never stopped trying to give him reasons not to be.

 

But now.

 

Now David looked terrified. His hands shook as he grabbed the journal out of his bag and held it in his hands, turning it over and over again. He sighed.

 

“I made something a while ago…” He started. David looked up, at the sky, shaking his head. Matteo stared, noticed the sheen of tears lining his eyes. _Why? Why is he so scared? He should never be scared with me! He should know that by now. I want him to know that._

 

“Hey.” Matteo said. David turned his head to look at him, but closed his eyes. “You’re safe here, please know that.”

 

David’s shoulders fell. He opened his eyes. Matteo wanted nothing more than to add “I love you” at the end. But he couldn’t. Not now.

 

…Not ever?

 

“I know.” David said. It was hardly audible, but there. He took another breath. His hand moved across the front of the journal, rubbing. As if he was marking it as his own, one last time. Matteo just waited.

 

David opened the book. Turned the pages to somewhere in the middle. Matteo didn’t look down. He wouldn’t look down until David told him to. Told him it was time.

 

Suddenly the journal was being handed to him. Matteo grabbed hold of it and locked eyes with David in question, who nodded.

 

Matteo looked down. His heart stopped.

 

It was so _intricate_.

A two page collage of drawings.

Drawings of him and David, of every milestone they’d had so far.

 

Matteo couldn’t breathe. They were all the same moments that Matteo went back to in his mind whenever he needed a reprieve.

 

**The first time they met.**

**The first time they talked.**

**The first time they hung out.**

**The first time David stayed over.**

**The first time David ran away.**

**The first time Matteo told anyone he was gay. When he told David.**

**The first time they laughed until they cried.**

**The day David came out to Matteo as trans.**

**The _‘you’re my favorite thing right now’_ day. **

 

Every one. Every single moment Matteo had bookmarked, David had as well. Tears started to well up in his eyes as he moved to the text at the bottom.

 

_'I want to be around you. All the time. I’m sorry. You’re my favorite thing too. But that’s all I can give you right now.’_

 

Matteo’s thumb passed over the text again and again. He read it over and over. He felt David’s eyes watch him, take it all in.

 

His heart exploded into a thousand fragments, aching, burning. Through his chest into his limbs. His face went numb.

 

_But that’s all that I can give you right now._

 

He turned his head to David, who looked so… _bare_. So there and _with_ him and honest and hurting that Matteo couldn’t hold it in anymore. He closed his eyes and the tears poured out.

 

David moved his body towards him, gently, softly, resting his forehead against Matteo’s. Matteo took in a deep breath and opened his eyes.

 

“Is that okay?” David asked. Whispered.

 

_Is that okay?_ Matteo had waited for this for what felt like forever.

To be shown the real David.

The honest one.

The David he knew but had little proof of.

…It was more than he ever expected from him.

 

All he ever wanted.

 

“Yes.” Matteo replied quietly, nodding. “For right now.”

 

David leaned back and rested his hands on either side of Matteo’s face. His thumbs swept across Matteo’s cheeks, wiping away the tears. He took a deep breath. His shoulders softened. He looked lighter than Matteo had ever seen him.

 

“Okay.” David whispered back.

 

And Matteo thought it would be. For the first time in a while he thought things might be okay. He had some hope, something to really hold on to. Not passing. David couldn’t take this one back.

 

_But what now?_

 

What do you do when you’re given a _for now?_ A _for now_ that churns you from the inside out?

 

What do you when you’re offered everything you ever wanted, but it’s offered as a 'later’.

 

A maybe. Not concrete.

 

Enough, but just barely.

 

Less than five minutes. In less than five minutes he’d received exactly what he had wanted… but without a promise.

 

David was honest, finally.

Matteo knew him, finally.

 

But what now?

Is it smart to hold onto something when you’ve been warned not to? Been warned it might not stick around?

_What now?_

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit dat kudos button to make me go drink some water, get some sleep. Hit dat kudos for my wellbeing.
> 
> Come talk to me on tumblr @skamandallthat.
> 
> Your comments mean everything. Thank you for taking the time. 
> 
> Love love love you all.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo… little twist. Couldn’t resist. Needed to know what David was thinking. Found out in the process of writing this. Hope you’re as fascinated as I was.

 

It didn’t change much.

Just enough, though. The air was lighter. Slightly.

 

As David sat on the balcony of Matteo’s room he couldn’t quite catch his breath. Matteo was fast asleep, hair ruffled from tossing and turning all night. He always tossed and turned. All night long.

 

David wanted to know _why_.

(Needed.)

 

The thing is, he could just ask him. He’d learnt that early on. Matteo didn’t like to share thoughts unprompted. It scared him. He’d never said so outright, but David knew.

 

He watched him in social situations, watched as Matteo let people talk over him, for him, fill in his blanks.

David never wanted to fill in his blanks.

He wished others didn’t want to either.

 

If they knew what Matteo’s thoughts were like, how deep and fascinating… how breathtaking and heartbreaking and…

If people knew they wouldn’t talk over him. They’d prompt him.

Because if people don’t want to know what Matteo’s thinking then they’re clearly unworthy.

 

It’s all David ever wanted nowadays.

 

There had been a few moments in their time together when David hadn’t needed to say anything. Where Matteo spoke without being asked to.

 

**_You’re my favorite thing right now._ **

 

David had wanted to cry.

 

 _How?_ How could Matteo pull that one out like that?

 

An unfiltered, deeply and disastrously beautiful proclamation.

 

It wasn’t _fair_. David knew what he meant. But he had to shut him down. It took everything in him to reject that.

 

_**I shouldn’t be.** _

 

That was true. But to say that to Matteo, the boy who would rather choose to not to speak at all instead of saying the wrong thing…

 

It shattered him.

 

It shattered him every time he had to stop Matteo.

Stop him from saying too much, admitting too much.

 

Sometimes his heart had a mind of it’s own. David would be speaking before he’d even decided to. Asking risky questions, flirting a little more obviously. These slight, unavoidable smiles would break out on his face whenever he caught Matteo staring.

 

He knew it wasn’t fair. He knew he was breaking Matteo. Over time he began to understand that what Matteo was feeling for him wasn’t a crush or lust.

 

Matteo had fallen for him and all David wanted was to go back to the moment it happened and stop it.

 

Not because he hadn’t fallen too.

He had, _oh god_ , he had.

 

But because he’s not ready. He’s not ready for someone to need him. And Matteo was someone who needed, deeply.

David couldn’t give him that. He couldn’t be that for him. Not yet.

 

So David kept him close. Arms length. He felt cruel.

So many opportunities to just explain. Tell Matteo he knows. Tell Matteo he’s so _sorry_.

 

His breaking point had been at the party. Matteo’s eyes had bore into his all night. Asking, daring.

 

_I know you feel this too. Give me something._

 

David couldn’t resist. How was he supposed to when Matteo’s touch is so soft and his pupils are so blown and he looks at David like if he asked him to, that Matteo would take bullet for him, no questions asked?

 

So he asked him to dance. And as they became closer and closer and he felt Matteo’s breath on his face and their hips collided… he couldn’t _take_ it.

 

He knew already why it was easier like this. He knew the answer.

It was just that he was finally ready for Matteo to say it.

 

Except, no. He wasn’t. As soon as the question was out of his mouth he wasn’t ready. Not here. _Not like this._

He wasn’t ready, he wasn’t ready to be needed and wanted and loved.

 

How could he ever let Matteo love him fully when he had no idea what love even looks like? How could he give that back?

 

His experience with love is limited to family. Chosen family. Laura. His godmother. That’s pretty much it.

They’d shown him over time that people were capable of loving him. Of caring for him, understanding him. Unconditionally.

But he still couldn’t wrap his head around _why_.

Because the love he had always known, it came with conditions.

He was still convinced it probably wasn’t a good idea for people to choose him. For him to choose people.

 

_No attatchments._

 

No one should be forced to deal with him. Wait for him.

The people around him shouldn’t have to sit back and watch him run, over and over. They shouldn’t have to sit and wait. Waiting hurt, he knew that much.

 

At least Laura always came with him. She had proven to be trustworthy. But why? What did David do to deserve it?

 

So no. He couldn’t let Matteo tell him yet.

 

But as Laura’s friend drove him and Laura home from the party, pain washed over David as he realized…

 

_Matteo shouldn’t have to._

 

This was on David. He already knew. He knew how Matteo felt.

So Matteo deserved to know too. How David felt, what he thought about this.

 

_That he felt it too._

 

That he was just as moved by Matteo as Matteo was by him.

It was time he gave it up. Stopped stringing him along.

It was time he told the truth.

That he can’t give more than he’s giving. Not yet. Matteo already sits far too close to the center of David’s world. Every glance, every smile, Matteo forces himself closer to David, deeper in his space. It’s overwhelming. David’s afraid he’s gonna lose himself in Matteo completely. He’s so close to giving in. Too close.

 

When David handed over his journal to Matteo, it was like he was handing over his mind. His heart. He thinks Matteo might have even understood that, to some degree. He had waited to look down. Waited to take it in. Matteo was always so _careful_. Always waiting for David’s approval. His permission, in that case.

 

How fitting.

He had now put Matteo in a position where he had been given enough hope to not let go. Too much hope to do what he should.

 

Matteo should _let go_.

 

But David had, against his better mind, given Matteo the opportunity to wait for him. He had offered it to him, even while knowing the chances of it all falling apart before it even starts. Consciously. Matteo had so easily agreed to wait. To understand.

 

_“Is that okay?” He had asked._

 

_“Yes. For right now.” Matteo said._

 

It shouldn’t be.

Matteo deserves more than waiting around for someone who can’t decide if letting him in fully will be worth the risk.

 

That pangs.

 

It seemed like the right thing to do at the time. Show Matteo that they’re on the same page. Mostly. Be honest.

 

**_This is all I can give right now. I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry._ **

 

When Matteo started crying, David felt it in every cell of his body.

 

How could he have drawn this out so long? How could he have done this to him?

Does his avoidance stretch this far?

Was he really willing to run even when it hurts other people?

Is that the kind of person he is?

Sure, he may deeply need to, but at what cost?

 

The price seems too high when he fully takes in how much he’d hurt Matteo. How much he’d confused him and let him drown in feelings of unrequited love and-

 

No. _Love?_

 

The word sent fear coursing through his veins.

You give someone your love and they chew you up and spit you out.

Matteo wouldn’t do that, would he?

 

David never thought his parents would.

 

You let yourself trust and they disappoint you. More often than not.

 

What is love without trust?

 

David closed his eyes.

 

Unrequited… something.

 

Unrequited tethering.

 

_It’s not unrequited. Not in the slightest._

 

David can fight it all he wants, but he has feelings for and about Matteo that can’t be described…

Somehow, that makes him feel lighter. He just feels lucky to know Matteo. The privelage it is to feel anything about Matteo at all is not ignored.

 

He takes a breath.

 

_Matteo. Help me out of here. You’re everything. I don’t know how to do this._

 

He looks over at Matteo. Matteo turns again, stretches. His eyes squeeze shut. He’s waking.

He opens his eyes. Smiles.

And David knows that this is wrong. He gave him too much hope.

 

He can want and want but that doesn’t mean he’s ready. Doesn’t mean he can give Matteo what he deserves.

But if giving Matteo hope means he smiles at him like that, what else is he supposed to do? He’s only human.

 

He smiles back.

“You’re awake.” Matteo pries.

 

“You toss and turn too much.”

 

“Sorry.” Matteo runs his hands over his eyes and yawns, sitting up.

 

David wants to say ‘don’t worry about it’. He wants to reassure him, tell him he’ll sleep later and that he’d much rather take the opportunity to hear the birds start singing first thing, anyway. There’s truth in that. But somehow he can’t get the words out. Can’t let himself take that on too. He knows Matteo’s anxieties. But he just can’t do it. His head wins out this time.

 

Instead, he remembers his questions during the night.

 

_Why can’t he sleep still? Why does he move so much? Is he okay? Does he have nightmares?_

 

"What were you dreaming about?” David asks.

 

Matteo shrugs. They connect eyes. David pleads. He has to know. He needs to know every damn thought that this boy comes up with. _Please._

 

“I think I was dreaming about you…” Matteo answers.

 

David freezes.

Not again. Jesus Christ.

_How is that fair?_

 

Less than five seconds. In less than five seconds Matteo finds a way to make him question everything he’s ever come to believe. Every time.

 

His heart wins this round. David smiles, cocks his head.

 

“Oh yeah?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know if this means I’m switching POV entirely or not. It almost feels right to? I feel like we know what Matteo wants. What he’s feeling. But I would want to balance it out, which would mean 6 chapters from David’s POV now. What would you guys like? Let me know.
> 
> Hit dat kudos button if you love and miss David as much as I do! Was soooo good to hear his voice today. 
> 
> Comments are more appreciated than you'll ever know!! I read through them over and over....


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> God, I love being in David's head. Love finding out what he's thinking.  
> I'm having so much fun with this.  
> Enjoy!

 

 

Pretending to be with Matteo was so easy.

 

But also so hard.

 

They moved in harmony.

 

As often they both pulled away, they pulled back in.

 

It was _enough_.

 

Why wouldn’t it be enough if David just let go? Gave in? If they did this for real?

 

Laura had come to him earlier in the day asking about dinner. _Could Matteo come?_ She wanted to get to know him better. Wanted to get to know the guy who had cracked through David’s plans.

 

_No friends. No talking. Keep your head low, finish school, move to Detroit._

 

Matteo had shattered all that.

 

It was fair of her to want more information. Fair of her to try to get it from Matteo himself. Especially after David had spent so many weeks talking about the blonde haired boy who keeps smiling at him and pursuing him but he has a _girlfriend_ and-

 

It had shifted when Matteo came out. He wasn’t sure how Laura had heard, but suddenly she had less advice and more questions.

 

Instead of,

 

_Just forget him, he’s causing more stress than fun._

It had turned into,

_If it’s all so obvious why don’t you go get him?_

 

David didn’t know how to answer that. Matteo had just come out. It didn’t seem right. The timing was off. So, so off.

 

And then as it became more obvious that David was something that Matteo wanted, like really, _truly_ wanted… David stopped talking about him.

 

As soon as he and Matteo became a real possibility… it was too much. Too much to let out of his head. He couldn’t talk about it anymore.

 

But Laura never stopped asking questions. Here and there.

 

“How’s Matteo?”

 

_I’m breaking him but he hasn’t told me yet._

 

“Fine.” He’d reply, with a smile. Honest, sort of. His specialty.

 

Then one night, after a long day of school, he and Laura were at the table having dinner. It was silent, the comfortable kind. David had his book in one hand, reading, the other was attempting to feed himself but he had a hard time prying his eyes away from the story. He was spilling food everywhere. And then,

 

“Why don’t you talk about Matteo anymore?”

 

David looked up from his book. His eyes widened.

 

“What?”

 

“For the longest time he was all you ever talked about, what happened?”

 

He could’ve just told Laura the truth. But she would’ve given him some long spiel about the importance of trusting people even when it’s scary and David already knew all that. He just wasn’t ready.

 

He set down his book, his fork. Rested his elbows on the table and took a deep breath. This is a bad idea. For many reasons. _What was he doing?_ But it still came out.

 

“We’re together.”

 

That was true, sort of. In a way.

 

Laura nearly spat out her food.

 

“Oh my god! _What?_ When did that happen? Why didn’t you tell me?”

 

Good point. If it had happened, he would’ve told her. He lied.

 

“It’s new. Didn’t want to jinx it.”

 

“You don’t believe in jinx.” Laura replied with a smile.

 

That’s true. But with Matteo he could. Matteo made him believe in a lot of things.

 

But David just shrugged.

 

Unfortunately that didn’t shut Laura up. He should’ve known better. Known this lie would just spur more questions. But now every answer had to be a lie.

 

Because he and Matteo aren’t together. Can’t be. _Not right now._

 

Such a disaster. David had dug himself a hole so deep that he was pretty sure he’d never find a way out. Laura kept asking, kept prompting, every day. His lie became deeper. The lines blurred sometimes. He used truths in his lies. Sometimes when he told Laura things he would start to believe them. So close to reality and yet, so far. So impossible.

 

It was even worse when it became clear that Laura would never let up. That she’d never stop asking to meet Matteo. When Laura came home one day after an afternoon with her girlfriend and announced that he and Matteo would be coming to the party on Friday, his heart sunk.

 

It was okay until now. Well, not okay. But manageable. It stung every time he had to speak about Matteo as if he had finally let them have everything they ever wanted.

 

But now he had to drag Matteo into it.

 

David, by now, knew how Matteo felt. David, for a while now, had been blocking every one of Matteo’s signs. The signs he knew Matteo used all of his energy to give him. It was killing him. Killing both of them.

 

And now he was putting them in a situation that would for sure carry them to the end.

 

David wasn’t sure what the end was with this.

 

But he knew it was coming and he knew he had fucked this up forever.

 

Still, he couldn’t help himself. It was horrible, yes. Horrible to put Matteo and him through this just to shut up Laura.

 

Maybe… _no_.

 

Was he agreeing to this for the opportunity to try it out? See what Matteo would do?

 

Is that horrible? _Yes_.

 

But David wanted to throw him bones.

Wanted to be able to without stopping himself.

 

Horrible, maniacal. _Selfish._

 

He was being so selfish he could hardly believe it.

It stung. Every day.

 

And now Laura had met Matteo. Loved Matteo.

**_Who wouldn’t?_ **

She wanted to see more of him.

So, dinner.

 

Matteo showed up around eight. Right on time. As David opened the door Matteo looked up.

 

He was holding flowers.

He looked tired.

Not okay.

_He was holding flowers._

David’s heart tugged.

Matteo smiled, barely.

 

“Hey.”

 

_What’s wrong?_

 

Matteo’s arm stretches out, displaying the bouquet.

 

“These are for you.”

 

David’s breath hitched.

 

Yeah, _so_ not a good idea. Way too close to what they both want. What David won’t let them have. Too jarring.

 

But David has to act. Continue. Laura’s here.

 

He snaps out of it.

 

He smiles. Beams. _Feels none of it._

 

“You’re sweet.”

 

David moves out of the way to let Matteo in.

 

They had talked about tonight. Matteo had asked what he needed to do, needed to say.

 

_“She just wants to get to know you.”_

_“Okay…” Matteo had replied softly._

 

David’s heart had been clenching and unclenching all day. A hard pound, and then a fall. This was not smart. David wanted nothing more than to be close to Matteo. Normally he didn’t let himself. Didn’t touch.

 

But he could. In this situation he could, even if it’s just pretend.

 

But it’s not _smart_.

Not kind.

Not fair.

 

How would Matteo feel when as soon as they’re alone David needed to retreat, stop touching?

 

How would _David_ feel?

 

It wasn’t smart.

 

Would it break them? Would this lie break them? It was too much to ask of Matteo. He knew that. And yet…

 

David takes the flowers, pulls Matteo in for a hug.

 

A _real_ hug.

The good kind.

Tight, they combine.

 

As he pulls away he plants a kiss on Matteo’s cheek.

 

Matteo smiles. He blushes. But his eyes read pain.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love you guys. Thanks for all the responses and feedback. I truly will never be able to explain how much it means to me. 
> 
> Hit dat kudos button if you feel so inclined.
> 
> Comments are always, always appreciated. Y'all give me life.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaahhh. Fuck. It’s crazy how it’s only been two days since I first started this. The response has been so overwhelming that it feels like… at least a month. Two days?? Yeesh.

David watched Matteo all night.

 

 

 

 

 

Laura had faded into the background. Everything had faded to black except for Matteo and his hair and his lips and his voice and-

 

God.

 

He looked so _good_.

He looked like he had washed his hair.

Washed his clothes.

Showered.

 

David knew these things were big for Matteo. Hard for Matteo.

 

His heart swelled thinking about how Matteo had so clearly… tried.

 

Put effort in.

 

He had wanted to look good for this. For _him_.

Wanted David to notice.

And oh, had David noticed.

 

He actually couldn’t stop noticing. He’d look away for one moment to take a bite and then when he looked back at Matteo, be struck all over again.

 

David never knew what his type was. Never really thought about it or wondered.

 

But he knew immediately what it was the second he saw Matteo.

 

It was Matteo.

Matteo was his type.

To a T.

 

It scared him initially. Worried him. He’d never really been attracted to someone like this before.

 

He’d seen attractive guys. Acknowledged it, moved on.

He’d even kissed attractive guys. But still, moved on.

 

He wanted to kiss Matteo.

 

He already knew that but as he watched Matteo interact with Laura, as he watched him enrapture her, as he always did David…

 

It hit him like a ton of bricks.

 

If he kissed Matteo he could never move on. That was fact. Obvious. Something so piercingly clear that it burned.

 

The need hit him like it never had before and suddenly he knew that it was inevitable.

 

There was no way he’d be able to hold back for much longer.

Them colliding was more inevitable than anything had ever been.

 

However, what it would end up meaning, what their future would hold afterwards was still up in the air.

 

David still wasn’t ready. Wasn’t ready to have Matteo. Wasn’t ready to be his favorite thing. He wasn’t ready to be loved by him.

 

What was changing though, shifting, in that moment, was that now he _wanted_ to be ready. He wanted to do whatever work he needed to be ready.

Before then it was always passive. This is who he was. Fixed.

 

Can’t change it.

 

_I’m so sorry but I just can’t change it._

_This is me. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry._

 

But now?

 

Could he change it? Could he change himself? Could he do the work and morph himself into something resembling worthy?

 

He wanted to do the work. He didn’t know how long it would take before he could love Matteo the way he deserved… the way Matteo loved him but-

 

It was all hitting him so quickly. It flew into him and into his heart and exploded through his veins until all there was, all there would ever be was Matteo.

 

How had he not seen it?

Had he not wanted to?

He knew he wanted Matteo, but the _need_?

 

That was new.

 

Matteo was offering him something so precious.

Something so undeniably important and wonderful, how could he pass that up?

 

What kind of fool could ever pass that up?

 

But could he change?

Was it even possible?

Or were these parts of him, the parts so incapable of giving and receiving pure and raw love just… ingrained?

 

How deep were his scars?

Could they fade?

_Could Matteo help them fade?_

 

No.

 

That’s not right, that’s not fair. Don’t put that on him.

 

Every once and a while Matteo locked eyes with him. He’d smile. He’d caught him staring.

 

David can’t stop staring.

 

Matteo’s reactions were different now that he knew how David felt.

David loved these reactions.

There was pride in them. Confidence, cockiness.

 

Cockiness looked so good on Matteo that it hurt.

 

Knees brush, they blush. The blushing fades and then… another touch. Matteo puts his arm around the back of David’s chair. It’s so… possessive.

 

It floors him.

 

Matteo touches his shoulder, barely.

 

_Goosebumps._

 

Matteo retreats.

 

David didn’t want him to retreat anymore.

That was scary.

 

Laura seemed to fade away at some point. David wasn’t sure when it happened. One moment David was watching the two of them talk, watching Matteo talk and then… it was just the two of them.

 

Matteo turned to him.

 

David couldn’t think. All he wanted to do was receive.

 

“I think that went well.”

 

Did it? David hadn’t been paying attention. Well, good.

 

“Same.”

 

Matteo cocked his head. Smiled, knowingly.

 

“You weren’t even listening.”

 

David rolled his eyes.

 

“Sure I was!”

 

“You didn’t say a word.” Silence for a while. Deafening. “You were just staring at me.” David didn’t know what to say. “The whole time.” He flushed. Looked away. Looked away for what felt like the first time in hours. He took a breath. Matteo did too. “I like it when you stare at me.”

 

_Pang._

 

David turns.

 

“Yeah?”

 

Matteo smiles.

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I don’t want to stop then.”

 

Matteo’s turn to blush. The neckline of his shirt is so low that David can see the blush travel there.

 

Unfair.

That’s just really unfair.

 

David forces himself to move his eyes back to Matteo’s. But the movement is long, it drags. Chest, neck, chin…

 

Mouth.

 

He stays there too long. Much too long to stay sane.

 

But suddenly, Matteo speaks.

 

“Don’t.” Matteo’s voice is hoarse. Life changing. David’s eyes shoot up to meet Matteo’s. He has about a thousand questions but Matteo answers the most important. “Not like this, okay?” It’s said breathlessly. David understands.

 

Matteo is right. Not like this. Not until it’s real. Not until David can promise something.

 

Matteo is so, so right and David hates it.

 

Wishes he could promise now.

 

But no.

 

The work hasn’t been done. He has to do the work. That’s clearer than ever now. A decision made. The work will be done.

 

“Okay.” He breathes.

 

They turn away from each other.

 

Matteo runs his hands through his hair. David finally looks away. Looking at Matteo is too much right now.

 

Way too much.

 

Laura bursts into the room.

 

“Alright!” She claps her hands together. The sound makes both David and Matteo jump. “We playing Mario Kart or what?”

 

David loses every game.

 

Matteo keeps looking at him worried.

 

David wants him to stop.

 

_Please don’t worry about me. I’m just trying to figure out how I’m going to do this. I’m trying to figure out how to become worthy._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Feedback is always, always appreciated! One of the reasons these come out of me so quickly is because you all have inspired me so much. 
> 
> Hit dat kudos button and I will love you forever. That's a promise.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally don’t know what happened with this chapter. This wasn’t what I had planned but as soon as I started swimming through Matteo’s head, he lead me here. It was hard. I’m still sort of shaken.
> 
> Content Warning: Panic Attack

 

 

**I’m trying to figure some stuff out. I’m not running but I need some time. Don’t hate me.**

 

David’s thumb hovered over the send button.

 

_You’re my favorite thing right now._

 

_Makes this easier._

 

_Don’t._

_Not like this, okay?_

 

He hits send.

 

–

 

The past few weeks had been everything. Horrible, yet everything.

 

Everything had changed now that Matteo knew how David felt.

 

He saw something different now in everything David did. Every movement before, every movement now was more clear to him, had more meaning.

 

He finally had answers to what he had been asking. Asking silently. Begging for, but never outright.

 

Matteo has a new sort of understanding for David. How he worked, how he thought.

 

It wasn’t quite enough, though. He still had more questions. So many questions.

But so much more was making sense. It helped.

 

David wanted him, he just wasn’t ready.

 

That night with Laura he knew exactly what David was thinking. Matteo was thinking it too. Wanting it too. Needing it.

 

Needing _him_.

 

But he had stopped him.

 

Why?

_Why, why, why, why, why?_

 

Because it wasn’t right like this. It hurt too much. There was no promise yet.

Matteo wasn’t convinced David wouldn’t run as soon as it all started.

 

They needed to be sure first. David needed to be sure.

 

_How could he make him sure?_

 

His head spun. It spun and spun and spun.

 

Pretending was so hard. Pretending was so confusing when it didn’t feel like pretending.

It felt wrong, though. Preliminary. Unearned.

 

Like he was showing David what he’d do if it was real.

 

Matteo wasn’t great with words. Even when he had the right ones he really struggled to get them out.

Getting out the **‘don’t’** was just about the hardest thing he’d ever said.

 

He was so confused.

 

He didn’t know what _right now_ meant. How long it would last. Would _right now_ be forever? Would David ever trust him?

 

_Please. Trust me. I’m not gonna hurt you. I could never do that._

_Don’t you see that you’re everything?_

_Why won’t you let me see all of you? I want to see it all._

_Why won’t you let me love you? Why won’t you let me take care of you?_

_I want to take care of you._

_Please._

 

David felt so close and yet so far away. Matteo didn’t know what to do. What moves to make now.

 

He didn’t know what David needed. Time?

 

Was he just supposed to wait around and keep pretending? David was using him, hurting him.

 

David would have kissed him if Matteo hadn’t stopped him.

 

But Matteo didn’t know what it would’ve meant to David. To Matteo, it would’ve been a consummation.

 

He thinks to David it would’ve been a test.

 

He looks down at his phone. Reads the text again.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

**I’m trying to figure some stuff out. I’m not running but I need some time. Don’t hate me.**

 

_What stuff?_

_How much time?_

_I could never! Don’t you get that?_

 

His thumbs hover over his keyboard, moving but never clicking. He looks up, tears well.

 

Looks down.

Types.

 

**To: David**

**From: Matteo**

**I don’t hate you but I hate this.**

 

That should do it, right? Would that get it across?

 

Hate is a strong word.

It’s the perfect word.

He _hates_ this.

 

He hates not knowing all the why’s. He hates not knowing what David’s thinking.

 

He had more now, sure.

It was enough for a few days.

But now he just had so many questions. The questions spun in his head. Over and over. Aching. Breaking him.

 

Why right now?

Why won’t he let Matteo in, fully?

 

He wondered how long David thought they could keep this lie going. What was his goal? Forever?

If not forever, then why?

 

If he was comfortable with having Laura, the most important person in his life, believe that he and Matteo were together, why wasn’t David comfortable with the idea of the real thing?

David had told him many things about Laura.

 

_She saved me. I’m whole again because of her. There aren’t words._

 

Matteo felt that way about David.

 

He spins, and spins. There’s so much ringing, so much noise. It won’t stop. It has to stop.

 

A buzz.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

**I know. I’m working on it.**

 

The spinning continues. Matteo can’t breathe. The tears fall.

 

**To: David**

**From: Matteo**

**I need you.**

 

The reply is instant.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

**Now or in general?**

 

Both. Always both.

 

**To: David**

**From: Matteo**

**Now. I know you need time but the spinning won’t stop.**

 

Again, less than thirty seconds.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

**I’m on my way.**

 

Matteo takes a breath. Puts his headphones on. Drowns it out. He wants to roll a joint. David would be upset with him.

 

Matteo learned a while ago not to smoke when he’s spinning out. It makes things bearable but he becomes dependent.

 

David was always there to remind him of that.

_I get it, but it’s dangerous for you. You need to be careful._

 

He rolls it anyway. Smokes it. Time slows down. It makes the wait for David harder.

 

Tears don’t stop falling. They’re slow, sullen.

 

The apartment bell buzzes. Matteo takes his headphones off. Someone else answers.

 

Must be Linn.

“What’s the password?”

Something only she would say.

He hears David’s voice,

“Let me in, Linn.”

Linn doesn’t respond. She buzzes him up.

 

Matteo still can’t breathe. He wants his eyes to stay closed forever. He has to drag them open when David kneels in front of him. Puts his hands on his knees. Rubs softly.

 

_Ow._

 

Matteo closes his eyes again. More tears. Less breathing.

 

_Please stop._

_You’re hurting me._

_I need you, but if I told you that I couldn’t do this without the promise you’d leave._

_It hurts._

_Please._

 

“Teo, you need to breathe.” David whispers. “Please, breathe with me.”

 

Tears keep falling the entire time.

 

_In four. Hold. Out four. Good. Thank you. You’ve got this, come on. In four. Hold. Out four…_

 

When Matteo opens his eyes again, he wants to disappear. Crawl out of his skin.

 

He feels so pathetic.

 

Thinking about David had caused the panic.

But being with David also soothed it. Fixed it. Healed him.

 

What did he do with that? What did that mean?

That wasn’t healthy, right? This wasn’t _healthy_.

 

Why was David doing this to him?

Couldn’t he see what he was doing?

How he was breaking him?

Didn’t he care?

 

“I’m so sorry.” David’s voice was hoarse. He was sorry? So he knew. He knew and he was doing it anyway. “I’m trying, I promise. I’m gonna fix it.” Matteo took in a shaky breath. The exhale stuttered.

 

“I trust you.” Matteo breathed. They made eye contact. David had dried tears all over his cheeks. There were still a few left behind, yet to be shed, hanging in his eyes. His lips were parted, chapped. Glorious. Too much. “I just want you to trust me too.” David exhaled, shaky. As his eyes closed, the last of the tears dripped out.

 

“I know, I just…” David looked up, shook his head. “Matteo, I have so much work to do.” David removed one of his hands from Matteo’s knees. He gestured at himself. “I’m not… I’m so unfinished, I…” David swallowed. Took a deep breath. “I just want to be… more.” Matteo’s breath hitched. “More me, for you.”

 

Matteo swallowed. Took it in.

 

David was here.

 

_I want to be more me, for you._

 

David was honest.

 

He was getting more.

 

They were finally getting somewhere.

 

Matteo can breathe with that.

 

“Okay.”

 

They held their stare for a while. By the end Matteo felt raw. Opened, completely.

David looked like he felt the same.

 

Finally, open. Not all the way. But closer.

 

_More._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all know the spiel about comments by now. They’re my lifeblood, blah blah blah. (They really are. I will never be able to explain.)
> 
> God, I’m drained.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wazzzzzupppp!!!!! I’m on a road trip currently. Feels like we’ve been driving for days….
> 
> I wrote whenever I could because as soon as I figured out what I wanted to do with this chapter, I had to get it out!

The logistics were lost on him.

 

David considered visiting his godmother.

 

Maybe she could tell him what to do. What he needed to work on. She was honest and gentle and could tell him what’s wrong with him without breaking him.

No, though.

She could but she wouldn’t.

She’d never do that and David could never ask her to.

 

The main problem right now was that he didn’t have any idea where to start. He didn’t know which broken parts of himself to fix first.

 

How do you rank things like that? How do you rank the most wrecked and damaged parts of yourself?

 

Where do you even begin?

Weren’t they all equally destestable?

How does one even begin to make that list?

 

And even if you could, how do you go about breaking them down, mending them?

 

How does one remodel themself from the inside out?

 

The most aching and time sensitive one was his inability to trust, though. He knew that.

 

He had no idea how to trust.

 

Matteo has given him absolutely no reason to believe that he would ever hurt him.

He had actually given him many reasons to believe he never would.

 

And yet, he couldn’t. He just couldn’t. There was so much fear in the idea of presenting himself to Matteo as rawly as Matteo did to him.

 

David felt frantic.

There was no _time_ left.

 

The night of Matteo’s panic attack, David had wanted to scream.

 

Scream out to the heavens, the universe, beg literally anyone who was listening to _help_ him, help him heal the wounds in his heart that his parents left.

 

Because Matteo was breaking and it was David’s fault and he was being so _selfish_ , ruining this perfect boy just because he couldn’t bear the thought of giving him up entirely.

 

David had considered giving up Matteo.

 

He knew it’d be better for him.

For both of them.

 

But no.

 

_No, no, no, no, no!_

 

_He’s perfect, you idiot!_

He’s so _perfect_.

 

This boy with a heart so overflowing with pain and puzzles and breathtaking delicacy. Tender. Glorious. His head so full, so sullen and astonishing. Stunning. Always surprising him.

 

He’s perfect.

 

Matteo was so ready and willing to give himself up, be raw and bare for David-

 

_He loves you!_

_He’s perfect!_

_Just give in!_

_Just let him love you! Damnit!_

 

No, no, no, no.

 

He’s perfect, and he deserves _more_.

 

David considers therapy.

 

He’s so absolutely lost that he actually considers opening up his wounds to a stranger. Get some help. Heal.

 

_No._

 

There was one more thing he could try.

 

He could tell Matteo… all of it.

 

_The why._

All of the why’s. The ones he had answers for.

 

He knew that’s what broke Matteo the most. Matteo was completely and entirely ready, at all times, to give him everything and as soon as David thought he might be too, he evacuated. Ran. Escaped. Shut down.

_Every time._

 

Matteo knew David didn’t trust him and he didn’t know why and he thought it was his fault.

 

_It’s not your fault, **Teo** , please, **how could anything ever be your fault?**_

 

He could try.

 

He had wanted to once before. Been given the opportunity...

 

**//**

 

_Arms brushing, David sketching, Matteo soaking it all in._

 

They were laying on Matteo’s bed, both on their stomachs, David’s journal was open.

 

“Can you show me how you draw?” Matteo had asked. Sudden. _Unprompted._

 

“What?"

 

“I wanna watch you do it.” Matteo said, eyes blinking. He was sleepy. David could tell.

 

“You should sleep.”

 

“You’re not going to.” Matteo yawned. “You never do.” He ran his hands through his hair and then down the sides of his face. Cupping it. “Please?” He pouted. Lips pulled down. Mouthwatering, agonizing.

 

That mouth, _fuck_.

 

How could David resist?

 

He couldn’t.

 

“Okay.”

 

David grabbed a lone pencil off Matteo’s nightstand and turned the pages to the back of his book. Matteo scootched closer. His hip brushed against David’s. They both took in a shallow breath.

 

“So I um…” He started. “I don’t start with a plan… I…” He started putting lines on paper. Straight, then curved. Matteo just watched. “I just move.”

 

More lines.

Shading, erasing, brushing off the particles left behind. Another line, curving, curving…

 

The drawing started showing him a face.

 

_Oh._

 

It started becoming Matteo.

 

_Oh, fuck._ He considered trying to morph the face into someone different. Add a weird mole? Draw the wrong mouth…

 

His hand hovered, shaking.

 

Matteo’s breath nearly stops, David’s blood is roaring so loud in his ears that he can barely hear anything. But Matteo is so close. He could feel his breath on his neck and then… suddenly couldn’t.

 

David’s pause hangs in the air. Neither of them want to puncture the bubble, but Matteo must have decided to anyway.

 

_Had he needed to?_

 

“Is that me?” Matteo asks, breathlessly. David turns his head. Matteo’s much too close. His lips part. David looks away.

 

“Apparently.” He sees Matteo smile out of the corner of his eye. David keeps drawing, smirks. “Don’t get too cocky.”

 

Matteo rolls his eyes. Yawns again.

 

“Shut up.”

 

Matteo just watches from then on. He feels Matteo’s eyes shift from him to the paper. Over and over again. Paper, eyes, mouth… linger. Repeat.

 

By the time David finishes the sketch, he’s breathless. His whole body is on fire. He looks down at what he’s created, mind new.

 

This was always his favorite part. Taking a step back, feeling the pride. Realizing what he was capable of. It was one of the only times he felt truly complete, after letting his mind wander and make art, _be_ art…

 

But this time it hurt.

_Matteo was so beautiful it hurt._

 

He marks it at the bottom.

 

**Teo, today.**

 

He rips out the page, hands it to Matteo.

 

“Here.”

 

He can’t bear to watch Matteo as he takes in the final product.

 

So he stares ahead. He suddenly feels tired. So, _so_ tired.

 

“You make me look so sad.”

 

_You are. I make you sad, Matteo._

_Let go._

_I’m not strong enough. You have to do it for us._

 

No, no, no, no, no.

 

“I don’t mean to.”

 

Matteo smiled, a _I know, it’s okay,_ and then something buzzed. He set down the paper next to him and reached for his phone. His mom was calling. He frowned. Didn’t answer, just stared. As the call dropped out, Matteo sighed.

 

“Do you ever miss her?” David asked.

 

Matteo looked up. His brow furrowed.

 

“Of course.” He said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. And then, David watched him as the gears shifted in his head. After a few moments, long moments, drawn out… he speaks again. “Do you ever miss your mom?”

 

David’s so taken aback by the question he nearly collapses. It strikes him like a lightning bolt. Feels it in every part of his body. It shoots out of his fingers like electric poison. His eyes stay locked with Matteo’s, who’s looking regretful, panicked. His eyes search in uncertainty and fear and David has to look away.

 

He looks up, tries to blink away the tears.

 

The breath he lets out sounds like sob. His shoulders shake with it.

 

“It’s okay.” Matteo whispers. “Don’t answer now. You’re not ready. That’s okay.” David finally looks back down, Matteo’s eyes bore holes into his. He feels bare. “I can wait. I’ll be here.”

 

**\\\**

 

David was beginning to understand that his time was running out. Matteo couldn’t wait any longer.

 

He knew Matteo probably wanted to.

 

Out of everything he knew about Matteo, that much was clear. He’d push himself to the very, very edge before really noticing how bad he was doing.

 

Matteo was spinning out and it was David’s fault.

 

But Matteo didn’t have the same understanding of his breaking points that David did. Matteo wasn’t going to step back, ever. He’d push further into David until there was nothing left of either of them.

 

It was clear as day, then.

 

_Time had passed._

He didn’t know if _enough_ time had passed but some had and that would have to be enough.

 

Matteo couldn’t take this anymore.

_The perfect boy couldn’t take this anymore_.

David couldn’t take hurting him anymore.

 

There was no time left. Absolutely no time left.

 

It has to be done now.

 

He would try.

He’d tell him.

 

_**I miss my mom.** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all are the sweetest, always. I feel as deeply for you as Matteo does David (and vice versa).
> 
> Comments and kudos make me write faster ;) ;)


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

Matteo sat on the steps of the big stairwell at school. Headphones in, music loud, waiting. He hadn’t seen David all day.

 

He hadn’t seen David since the night he panicked.

 

Five days.

 

Two texts.

 

**To: Matteo**

**From: David**

_**Just checking in. Feeling better today?** _

 

**To: David**

**From: Matteo**

_**Yeah. Gonna sleep today, though. Exhausted.** _

 

He wondered what David had been doing.

He wondered if he’d been fixing it.

He wondered what that meant, exactly.

 

Suddenly his headphones were being pulled off of him. Someone sat next to him.

 

Wintergreen and sweat. _Boy_. **David**.

 

“Hey.” David spoke, softly. He looked light, but tired.

 

_Had he slept at all?_

 

“Hi.” Matteo smiled back. “You’re here. I missed you.”

 

David pursed his lips, bit back a smile.

 

“Mm.”

 

They just looked at each other for a while. Everyone bustling around them became white noise. David was the first to look away, again.

 

“So, I uh-” He started… he rubbed his hands together and then set them on his knees. “I have something for you.” Matteo waited. Expectant. David reached into his backpack and pulled out an envelope. Thick. Filled. Barely sealed.

 

On the front, in bold letters.

 

**Teo.**

 

David handed it to him. Matteo ran his fingers under the seal. Wanted to break it. David’s hand covered his.

 

“Not here. When your head is clear. When you have time to sit with it, please.”

 

Matteo nodded. David smiled, soft, gentle, _everything_.

 

David leaned over, kissed him on the cheek. Lingered there. Matteo felt in his whole body. It felt softer this way. Laura wasn’t here.

Laura wasn’t here!

 

That was just for them.

 

Matteo’s heart soared.

 

As David pulled away, his hand came up to brush Matteo’s hair back. He left him breathless.

 

“Okay. Get in touch.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

A smile, and he walked away.

 

–

 

Matteo sat on his balcony, the night air had finally turned cool. A cold breeze slapped him in the face, washed through his hair. He licked his lips, turned the envelope over and over in his hands. Rubbed his thumb over his name on the front.

 

The name only David called him. It was David’s, only David’s, and only ever would be. _Forever._

 

Matteo took a deep breath. Ran his finger through the seal and then pulled out the folded papers.

 

They were messy. Ink blotches everywhere, fingerprint smudges. He wondered if he could even see some dried tears.

 

Here we go.

 

**Matteo,**

**I’m not quite sure where to start.**

**I just want to explain. Not excuse.**

**It might come out sounding that way, forgive me.**

 

**From the first day I met you I knew that you would become my only thing. The only thing.**

**I didn’t know what that meant. It was exciting at first and our ebb and flow was so fun and thrilling that I think I just fell into it without stopping to think.**

**When I think, is when the problems come. When I start to hurt you, confuse you.**

 

**You are a person who feels, all day, everyday. Your heart is so deep and full of mystery and charm and it scares me. I don’t know how you so easily give yourself up to your emotions whether they’re good or bad.**

**I think you trust your reactions too much. It’s deeply unsettling and makes me really worried about every move I make.**

**That being said I wouldn’t change it. I wouldn’t change you, ever. You’re perfect exactly the way you are but do we meld?**

**In ways we do but…**

**I think and you feel.**

**Isn’t that recipe for disaster?**

**If I think too hard and run and hurt you will you be able to understand?**

**If you started feeling differently about me would you be able to fight it? Would your head beat out your heart?**

**I’d need your head to win out. Know the simple truth that I keep coming back.**

**I could never stop coming back, I think.**

**I haven’t been able to yet.**

**I know I run, I know that scares you, but I also come back.**

 

**You asked me once if I missed my mom.**

**I had wanted to answer but the wounds were still raw. They still are. Time heals, but not enough.**

**My mom was everything. She was _everything_ and she knew that and she still took that everything and squashed it like it never existed. **

**Except it did. All of that happened.**

**All the good all the bad, and I can never forget.**

**I never forget, not ever for one moment can I forget her. Forget the hurt she caused. But what’s even worse is that I can’t forget all the good. All the good she instilled in me. The best, most pure parts of myself are all _her_ and I don’t know how to grapple with that… especially when all I can feel when I think of her is pain. **

**I don’t know how to move forward, away from her, away from that life I lived. I can’t detach.**

**I don’t know how to hate her _and_ miss her. I don’t know how to balance that. **

**I spend every moment of every day with such a big part of me just longing for my mom and all the things she promised for me that I’ll never have now.**

**I wish I hadn’t had to trade my mom for my own safety within my mind and body.**

 

**But now you’re everything. You’re _everything_ , Matteo. And I don’t know how to open up to that and give in because if my mom could do that to me, why couldn’t you?**

 

**So much of me trusts you and wants you but the biggest part just wants to run and hide because if I give in to you and you ever left that might just be it.**

 

**I can’t lose both of my everythings. I just can’t.**

 

**I need you so much that sometimes I can’t breathe with it and it’s sublime and terrifying and I have spent so much time running from it and hurting you that I feel like a shell of a person.**

**You could so easily make me feel whole, I know that, but the possibility of me scaring you away, or this not working out… I don’t know, my head somehow pulls me the other way and beats out my heart most of the time.**

 

**I have wondered if maybe trust isn’t the most important part of a relationship, lately.**

**Everyone always says a relationship is nothing without trust but what if that’s not true?**

 

**There are no promises in life. I’ve learned that.**

**What if all that’s needed is hope?**

 

**You give me hope, Teo.**

 

**You’ve given that back to me.**

 

**The least I can do is trust you with that. With this.**

 

**I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I never did. I hope you know that.**

 

**I love you.**

 

**I don’t know what that means or what to do with that and I don’t know if I’m ready to go all in but I’m ready to try.**

 

**This was messy but so am I.**

 

**I hope you’ll have me anyway.**

 

**David.**

 

Matteo took in a gasping breath. One tug in, and felt all the blood rush to his head. He felt like he was finally coming up for air after drowning.

 

But there was more. He turned to the last few pages, drawings. Drawings of him, each covered with quotes he had said or little snippets of what looked like letters to him…

 

Matteo closed his eyes.

 

He was supposed to sit with this? _Fuck_ that.

 

He didn’t need to. Not even for a second.

 

He ran.

 

_David, David, David._

_I’m coming._

_Wait for me, I’m coming._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I love, love, love you guys! YOU are everything.
> 
> 💕💕💕💕💕💕


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyy guys!!!!
> 
> I’m so tired, lol. I’ve been on a road trip for three days.
> 
> I love youuuu and here’s this.

 

As Matteo approached David’s place, his thoughts spun. Memories flooded his head, feelings and passion running in waves, never ending. Gorgeous and overwhelming.

 

Just like David.

 

He thought about how wonderful it was, how David had infiltrated the past year of Matteo’s life in the most glorious way.

 

He felt fiercely grateful for the boy who had walked in his life and with one look, had made every moment thereafter so exhilarating and fulfilling. He even felt grateful for the pain.

 

David was feeling. Embodied. Matteo marveled in the fact that David considered himself anything else. Matteo would take David either way.

 

**I’m so unfinished.**

 

_Who isn’t, David?_

_I’m just at the beginnings of myself. I’ve barely read the first chapter. I want you there when I read the rest._

 

As he thought, he laughed, just in disbelief that David could ever think Matteo would disagree with any part of him.

 

**I feel and you think.**

**Isn’t that recipe for disaster?**

 

_No, David._

_It’s perfect. I feel when you think and you feel when I think and it will balance, we will blend so perfectly, we already do, can’t you see that?_

 

Matteo’s heart broke for David and his pain about his mom.

 

He wondered how on earth anyone could run from David. He wondered how on earth his mom had been able to.

 

David is exactly the type of person you run _towards_ , not from. Never from. You sprint. How could you ever get enough of him? How could you ever take one look at this impeccable boy who wants nothing more than to live life purely and fully as himself and _ever_ leave? How could you ever push him away?

 

Matteo wondered if David’s mom had the same instincts that David had. He wondered if there was any possibility that she had just… run from the stress of David’s changes and new life, if it had been too overwhelming for her.

 

He wondered if she overthought just like David. If she had mistakingly convinced herself it would be too hard, too much. If she had thought so long and hard that her pros and cons list became deeply unbalanced, as he had noticed David’s did over time.

 

He longed for David to have her back, have that pure love back from before she had ruined it.

 

He longed for him to have what he deserved, unending and entirely unconditional love.

David deserves every good thing, every good person.

David had finally opened up the door for Matteo to be one of those.

 

Matteo was just fiercly grateful.

 

Suddenly he reached the doors.

 

He took a deep breath, ran his hands through his hair and smiled. This was it, it was time. David was offering himself, finally. All of him. Matteo wanted all of him.

 

Matteo knew that this wasn’t it, there was still so much for them to work through but the parts that had been breaking them were healing. David had made the moves they needed to set them on the next step. There was more to climb, sure. But it didn’t seem so impossible anymore. There was hope.

 

Matteo opened the door and raced up the stairs. His head down, still spinning but in the most blissful way that he never wanted it to stop and then-

 

He collided with someone. _Thump_ , it knocks the wind out of them both. He looks up, and finds wide eyes. Flushed cheeks. Tear stained cheeks.

 

_Laura?_

 

“Matteo?” She said, confused, frantic. Her voice broke with it.

 

“Hey, what’s going on? I was just coming up to-”

 

“He’s not with you? _Fuck_!”

 

“What?”

 

“David got a call earlier, he-” her voice shook, a lump in her throat ready to explode. She sounded terrified. “He’s not here, he left, I-”

 

Matteo’s heart fell through the floor. Completely out of his body, _falling, falling, falling._ The weight of it nearly brought him to his knees.

He needed to sit down. He collapsed on the step above him.

 

There was a beat. Spinning, and then…

 

“Where is he?”

 

“I don’t know, I thought he was with you…” Laura’s hands shake as she tucks some hair behind her ear and rubs her hands over her eyes. “I’ve been calling him and I was on my way to your place because I’m used to him taking time and running and needing space and all of that but he just flew out the door, Matteo, I-”

 

“Okay.” Matteo said, barely. It barely came out. He cleared his throat, closed his eyes. “Okay, okay.” As he takes a deep breath he feels all the blood rush to his head.

Everything’s spinning. Spinning, down, down, down.

 

And then suddenly. The surge.

 

He stands up again.

 

_I have to find him. He needs me._

 

**I need you so much that sometimes I can’t breathe with it and it’s sublime and terrifying…I have spent so much time running from you… I feel like a shell of a person.**

 

_He needs me and he’s terrified._

 

**If I think too hard and run and hurt you will you be able to understand?**

**I’d need your head to win out. Know the simple truth that I keep coming back.**

 

_Which was it this time? Does he need space? Does he need me?_

_What do I do, what do I do, what do I do…_

 

Matteo took a shallow breath, closed his eyes.

 

_Clear, think it through._

 

“How bad was it, Laura?”

 

He looked up at her again, but she was already staring. She searched his face, and inhaled. It hissed. Another tear fell.

 

“Really bad, I don’t know who called, I-” She looked down at her hands and rubbed them together. “We we’re having dinner and his phone rang and when he picked it up he went entirely white, I mean- he looked sick… and then he got up and went to his room and was in there for a few minutes and then he was just, _bolting_ , he didn’t stop when I called for him and I can’t even be sure he has his phone-” She was sobbing by the end, horrified.

 

Matteo couldn’t breathe anymore, his face was numb. He felt nauseous, completely ill. This was so _wrong_. Matteo didn’t even have details on what had happened but he already knew that this was bad, it was so bad…

 

_I have to go to him. If it’s this bad I have to go to him. He can’t run this time, it’ll hurt him more. He’ll want to but he needs to trust me._

_It’s time, let me help you._

 

“Okay. I’m gonna go look for him. How long has he been gone?”

 

“A couple hours.”

 

“Would he have gotten on a bus, a train?”

 

“I don’t know. I don’t know anything. Do you think you know where he is?”

 

“I have a few ideas. I’ll keep in touch, okay?”

 

“Yeah.” She breathed out, broken.

 

Matteo turned to leave and then… turned back. He felt a strange need to take care of Laura, too. David would want him to. She was David’s most important person. He’d want her okay.

 

“Hey, I’m gonna find him, okay?” It came out less confident than he’d wanted it to, but she still smiled. Light.

 

“I’m so glad he has you, Matteo.”

 

“Yeah?”

 

“He needs to learn to trust again. I’m glad you’ve been helping him get there.”

 

“I have?”

 

“Oh, yeah. He’s different lately. Since you.”

 

Matteo wanted to smile, but that just hurt all the more. His eyes welled up.

 

“I should go. I’ll call you.”

 

He ran.

 

He ran and he ran and he ran.

 

_David, David, David._

_I’m coming._

_Wait for me, I’m coming._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit dat kudos button, leave a comment and don't forgot to subscribe and ring the bell for post notifica-


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaahhhhhh!!!!! Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. 
> 
> Soooo, here’s the thing. I’M SO SORRY FOR THE LONG WAIT! I’ve been on a trip the past week and a half and
> 
> 1\. Had no time to write.
> 
> 2\. Also kinda wanted to just be mindful and present? Idk.
> 
> I’m soooo fucking sad that I missed experiencing the end of s3 of Druck with y'all BUT. I’m glad y'all didn’t forget me. I’m back, back. With more words and feelings and all that jazz.
> 
> Hope y'all enjoy this.

 

Matteo flew through the streets.

 

On his way out the door he grabbed David’s bike. He had to be fast. Faster, faster, flying.

 

Tears stained his cheeks in fear. Every breath shook, unsure, worried, worried.

 

He had one idea of where David would be. He was almost positive but if he was wrong, if time won and ran out…

 

_No._

 

He’d make it. He knew David and he knew his mind and he’d make it there in time and he’d help him and heal him and he’d be okay, _he has to be okay…_

 

Street lamps and pavement fade away in the background until there’s just gravel and moonlight. Stark anticipation and deep, frantic concern.

 

He reaches the opening. Trees part, the bike is abandoned. Feet fly forward.

 

He sprints.

 

He runs and runs until his feet are numb. The cool night air sweeps through his hair, sends chills down his spine, accompanying the cold anxiety coursing through his veins.

 

He makes a few turns, tries to take a few breaths.

 

Keeps running. Finds a clearing. Looks up, and then…

 

The rock. He slows. Makes his way around and suddenly…

 

**David.**

 

David, head in his knees. Shoulders shaking, heaving, trembling through his entire body.

_Pain._

Pain, pain, pain. Embodied.

 

“David.” Matteo speaks, so softly, it’s broken, it barely comes out.

 

David’s head picks up, it turns. Blood vessels are popped, in and around his eyes.

 

_Pain, pain, pain._

 

His lips part and then he sobs again, tears shattering through his tear ducts.

 

Matteo’s heart breaks into a thousand pieces. He runs over to him. Stands in front of the rock, and pulls David in. David collapses into his chest, shudders, continues to shatter. His hands grip Matteo’s jacket, knuckles white.

Holding on for dear life.

 

Matteo just encaptures him. Holds on. Cries with him.

 

This isn’t panic.

It’s sadness. Heartbreak.

Something that needs to come out.

A break so obviously inevitable. Something required.

 

They stay like that for a while. David breaking, Matteo breaking for him. With him.

 

Eventually the tears slow, David takes a full breath. Shaky, but deep into his chest. _Finally._

 

“I love you.” Matteo whispers. “I’m here, okay?” Matteo feels goosebumps break out over David’s entire body. “What happened?” Even softer.

 

David looks up for the first time in a while. Matteo’s breath stops when he sees his broken and beautiful boy.

 

_His._

He’s finished.

This boy is _his_.

That’s it.

 

“My mom…” David starts, but he breaks again. Matteo shushes him. Grabs his face in his hands, wipes the tears.

 

“Okay.” He smiles, comforting, as best he can. “It’s okay. Later.”

 

David nods. Falls back into Matteo.

 

“I love you. I’m sorry. Thank you.”

 

“Hey…” Matteo starts, breathless. “I understand your urge to run. But you can’t when it’s like this, okay? Not when it’s this bad. Come to me. Run to me. I’m here. I love you, I’ll help you, please.”

 

David looks up again, the shock on his face apparent. Shock and wonder and hope and…. he’s _stunning_. He’s so stunning that Matteo can’t breathe. David inhales, soft.

 

“Okay.”

 

Matteo sits next to him at some point. David’s head lands in his lap and he drifts off, sleeps eventually. Matteo waits.

 

Thinks.

 

_Thanks._

 

He thanks God, the universe, whoever or whatever is out there for this chance with this spectacular boy. Wonderous and dazzling and devastating…

 

His favorite thing, his everything, his home.

 

And then he begs. He begs God, begs the universe, prays for the first time in years.

 

_Let him heal, help me help him. Let me be there. Let this work. Let us be happy and here and leave the pain behind._

_I want right now and yesterday and every day from here on but I can only do so much and we need help._

_David needs a reprieve and more hope than I seem to be able to give him. Give him hope and light because on the list of people who deserve it, he’s right there, right at the top and it seems like you’re forgetting him._

_David deserves to be remembered._

_Heal him._

 

Matteo prays and begs all night. Feels fiercely grateful for David and fiercely angry that David has been given this life that shatters him in this way.

 

Matteo watches him sleep. Thanks the heavens for this moment of peace for him. Hopes the rest helps, at the very least pauses things for him.

 

-

 

David stirs a few hours later. His eyes blink open slowly, and Matteo watches as his eyes go from confused to realization and then he looks up, up at Matteo, and his eyes soften. He gulps. Rubs his hands over his face. Matteo waits.

 

He sees the shift, and then… David’s ready. Matteo can tell. Matteo is ready to listen.

 

“When I came out to my parents I had a pretty good idea of how it would go. Or so I thought, I mean… I knew my dad would disown me. Immediately. He makes fast, harsh decisions. Trusts his first instinct. Has never thought a single thing through in his life. He met Laura’s mom, decided he wanted her, enraptured her, and then just as quickly decided he didn’t want her anymore. He met my mom two days after he left Laura’s. Married her after 3 months. He doesn’t think, trusts his first decision. It’s too quick and too scary and I knew his first feelings and thoughts when I told him would be disgust and confusion and he would never take the time to shift that. I mean, I had bags packed, I was ready to go. I knew.”

 

Matteo listens. David lays still. Eyes closed.

 

“But um- I thought my mom would come with me. I was sure of it. I was sure that whatever love she had for me couldn’t be broken so easily as it would for my dad. I was sure she would choose me, over him. I was so, so sure. I told them together instead of separate because I was sure she would stand up for me. She always stood up for me. She supported my passions, art and gym and she always, always took my side with him. I had no reason to believe she wouldn’t in that case, too. Especially because I think she knew already. At least a part of her.”

 

Some tears fall. Matteo wipes them away.

 

“But she didn’t. She didn’t take my side. She sat there, and watched my father as he screamed and broke me and while I knew that was coming and was ready to take it I wasn’t ready to take her silence. I wasn’t ready to sit back and have both of them, in different ways, shatter whatever I had left after years of pretending. All I had left was her. She knew that. She didn’t care.

When I walked out the door I looked back at her and she looked away. She looked pained, I can’t deny that but she didn’t stop me or say anything. She fucking rubbed my dad’s back to comfort him, calm him down as he blew up and I can’t- I just… I’ve seen her final expression every time I’ve run from that point on. So clearly in my mind. And it makes me just want to run further, harder, away from all the people who could disastrously surprise me just like she did. I hate surprises.“ A pause. "You’re a surprise.”

 

David takes a deep breath. Matteo does too. David continues.

 

“She called me today. Um…” David takes in a shaky breath. “My dad died.”

 

Matteo’s heart stops. _What?_ David’s voice breaks.

 

“And I know I should be more sad about that and I am, in a way, but we were never close, he never tried, he was just around, in the background. And after everything he said and did, after he stole my mom from me…” He wipes away the falling tears. Closes his eyes again. “Anyway, my mom wanted to know what name to use for me in the obituary. I told her and hung up. I want her to know my name and I want her back and the fact that she wanted to hand me this vine is really nice but it doesn’t erase… it doesn’t erase the fact that she didn’t know my name. She didn’t know it. She doesn’t know me now. She doesn’t know the real me. Because she chose him. She chose him after promising I was her everything for so many years. But I _wasn’t_ and I’m _not_ and she was _mine_ but I -”

 

David’s shoulders shake. Matteo pulls him in closer, closer, closer. His body trembles.

 

“Matteo, it’s so scary to have an everything again.” He huffs out with a sob. “I’m so scared, all the time, you’re so much, you’re too much, too much good and I want and need you with so much of me that if you ever left I don’t know-”

 

“I know. Me too.” They lock eyes, Matteo sighs. “All I’ve wanted is for you to let yourself believe me. Believe that I want you and need you. Love you.”

 

“I believe you.”

 

“Good.”

 

“There’s still a lot broken between us.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I have a lot of work to do.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I don’t want to hurt you, I might hurt you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You’re in anyway?”

 

“How many ways do I have to say it, David? I’m in. With you. In whatever way. If you can’t commit to forever right now that’s fine but I… you’ve got me. As long as you love me that’s all I need.”

 

“I love you.”

 

“I know.”

 

They smile. They sleep.

 

Well, David sleeps.

 

Matteo feels much too awake and full.

 

For the first time, it’s truly enough.

 

David’s enough and always will be, but the space between them, the space that had always been there feels filled.

 

And Matteo can’t deny the foreboding feeling, the knowledge that David is still scared of him, of this. He can’t deny the fact that space may open between them again.

 

He knows there’s more coming and more jumps to be made and conversations to be had but he also knows David loves him.

 

So, that’s enough.

 

For now?

 

No. Very possibly forever.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loooooove you guys. Comments always appreciated.   
> Hit dat kudos button if YOU MISS OUR BOYS AS MUCH AS I DO AAAAAHHHH


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I looooovvee you guys. The feedback on the last chapter blew me away. It always does. Thank you. I hope you enjoy.

The walk home the next morning is awkward. It shouldn’t be, but it is.

 

David can suddenly feel their tension more than he ever has. It’s palpable and blunt and it ebbs and flows between them, knocking him out with each look.

 

Matteo rides David’s bike back, David follows on foot, he’s too tired to try to keep up.

He feels like he’s drowned about a thousand times over the night and been brought back up just enough for a breath before being shoved back down. It’s exhausting.

 

Every bone in his body feels like stone.

 

But his heart? Lighter. So, so much lighter and it’s because of Matteo. Because of this sweet, melancholy yet dazzling boy who has somehow come to the conclusion that he’s worth waiting for.

 

How? He wonders. He wonders how anyone this disastrously wonderful could ever deem him, someone so broken and unfinished, worthy.

 

But he has. He believes he has been. He’s been chosen and picked and he’s done the same to Matteo.

 

He picked Matteo.

 

_But now what?_

 

They arrive at Matteo’s flat eventually. Matteo hops off the bike and turns to face David.

 

“Do you want to come up?”

 

David’s suddenly struck with panic.

 

_Uh, yeah, I do, duh…_

But also:

_No. Not yet. Too much. Too soon. Slow down._

 

“Did you, um…. contact Laura yet?” David’s hand comes up to rub at the back of his neck. Matteo watches every movement.

 

Time slows.

 

Tension, tension.

 

Panging.

 

“Oh, fuck. I forgot. She must be losing it by now. I said I’d keep her updated.”

 

“It’s fine, she’ll be fine…. but um, I’ve gotta go home, then.”

 

“Yeah. Understandable.”

 

“Fuck, I wonder if she’s heard about our Dad… I- fuck.”

 

“Oh fuck, yeah…”

 

They just stand there for a moment. Eyes locked. And then a shift from Matteo, eyes falling, down to lips, staying there. And then back up. David smiles. Matteo blushes.

 

“Okay, uh… I’ll call you.”

 

“Please do.” Matteo hands over the bike, their fingers brushing as David grabs onto the handlebars. They both inhale, lightly, look up at each other and then away.

 

Blushes rage.

 

David gets on, starts to ride away and then…

 

_No._

_Unfinished._

 

He stops pedaling. Turns back, Matteo is still standing at the door, hands in his pockets and toeing at the ground. He looks up when he hears the screech of the tires. Smiles.

 

“I love you.”

 

Matteo’s reaction to that is overwhelming. His blush spreads, a deeper shade now. David can see it travel down his arms. His chest. He looks awestruck.

 

“I love you too.” Matteo replies, barely a whisper.

 

David winks. Matteo fully becomes a deep crimson and then, he’s off.

 

-

 

The ride home now feels clear. Everything feels clearer. Matteo is clarity. Like coming up for air, like the opposite of drowning now, he’s light and breath and just everything good.

 

He forgets about his dad for a while, forgets about his mom. Forgets about Laura, about how he’s gonna have to tell her…

 

It’s all Matteo and it only ever would and should be and how had he fought this so long?

 

Why hadn’t he believed him?

 

It’s so clear.

 

_It’s so, so clear, you idiot…_

 

He reaches the entrance.

Deep breath. Shaky, hesitant.

 

And then, he’s sure. There’s no time to delay. It’s not fair to delay.

 

He opens the door walks up the stairs. Each step and turn feels like more weight being added to his body, more fear filling his veins. And yet, he knows there are no other options. He can’t run from this.

 

His hand lingers on the doorknob for what feels like minutes. He turns it, it’s open.

 

“Laura?”

 

He hears a chair squeak backwards as she stands. David turns the corner. Finds a very broken girl in front of him.

 

His sister.

 

“Dad died.” She speaks. Her head turned down. Softly. Unsure.

 

“You know.”

 

“My mom called me.” She explains. She looks up. She looks sorry. Worried. “Where were you?”

 

“Doesn’t matter. I’m here now.”

 

“You should’ve told me.” Her brows furrow. She’s angry. Hurt. “Right away.”

 

“I know.” David can’t make eye contact. He looks away, anywhere. Disappointment hangs in the air like fog.

 

“You can’t run from things like this. When it’s your stuff, sure. But this is my stuff too. You left me here, worried about you and then I had to find out, alone, that our fucking asshole father is fucking dead… and you weren’t here.”

 

David looks up. Laura’s shaking. Fists clenched. Eyes welled with tears.

 

“I know, I’m sorry.”

 

“I’m going to the funeral.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“You don’t have to go, I understand if you don’t want to but I’m going.”

 

“That’s fine.”

 

_It is._

 

“Okay.”

 

“Okay.”

 

And then, Laura’s crossing the room. Pulling him in, and David collapses. Again. Into her, into his safe place.

 

He’s so glad to be chosen. To have chose her.

 

Nothing’s ever promised. Nothing ever can be. Not love, not anything. Not permanently. David had learned that so bluntly.

 

Not even blood, blood love can’t be promised. There’s no forever in that. The only thing promised in that, is that you’re genetically linked.

 

Linked by the heart? By the soul?

There is still no promise there.

 

There should be.

But there isn't. 

There's a choice in that. 

 

Laura was someone he chose. Someone who chose him. And while they are blood, they’re also more. They’re linked.

 

Soul and heart.

Brother and sister.

So much more than blood.

 

He’s safe here, he always will be. He finally trusts that, trusts that enough.

 

When it’s a choice, is when it’s real. When it’s true.

 

Laura has not been forced to stick by his side. To come with him, run with him. She was not forced to pick him over her other blood. Over the blood that connected them. No, she made a choice. She wanted to.

 

He doesn’t feel worthy.

 

But he trusts now, trusts that at the very least Laura thinks he is. Somehow.

 

They cry together. Heave and sob and laugh in disbelief. It’s all so unreal but they have each other and they have this and they have their choice to be linked to each other and that cannot be broken.

 

“I love you.” Laura says as they break away. “I hope you’ll at least consider coming. I think it’d be good for you.”

 

David can’t even imagine the trauma of going back after all these years. Of seeing people from his past, of them recognizing pieces of him, of watching them wonder and piece together the rest. Of seeing his mom.

 

His mom.

 

He misses his mom.

He hates his mom.

 

_Which is stronger?_

 

“I’ll think about it.” David replies, smiling lightly. “I love you too.”

 

_He’ll think about it._

 

Too much thinking. Unending thinking. Necessary thinking.

 

_He’ll think about it._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hit dat kudos button if you feel so inclined. Comments always mean the world. So if you feel the urge, don't hesitate. <333


	16. Chapter 16

Matteo feels so light.

 

All the air around him feels bright and clear. It doesn’t feel like he’s trudging through tar anymore. There’s light at the end of this tunnel of life, of love. He gets it now, he gets David. He feels so lucky and grateful.

 

He’s finally being allowed to let the love he’s always had for David overcome him. To spread through his soul and heart, coating him in passion and fondness and…

 

Just so much light.

 

He reminds himself the worst probably isn’t over. That David is still scared. Hesitant. That some part of this could come crashing down.

 

But David also loves him. It’s clear. It’s real.

 

David trusts that Matteo loves him and has given Matteo enough. Enough to hold onto. Not for now, for forever.

 

So if bad came, if dark and deep and hurt came, they could tackle it. Matteo believes they could overcome it. Handle it. Fight it, choose this. Choose them. Choose the _us._

 

Matteo would always choose David.

 

He knew that, it was so abundantly clear and that was so much more than enough.

 

That was bright.

 

That was stunning and marvelous and so, so wonderful.

 

He wonders if he’ll ever feel worthy. He wonders if this feeling of surrealism and unbelievable luck will ever fade. He doesn’t quite want it to. His understanding of David being ungraspable feels right. Feels like it’d be blasphemy to ever consider himself deserving.

 

Matteo doesn’t do much the next day. He sits and thinks and thanks. Like the night before last, with David on the rock. The night David had shattered, opened himself to his own pain and to Matteo and had stopped running. Maybe not forever but David had sat with him, slept in his arms… had trusted Matteo with such raw wounds.

 

That alone meant more than Matteo could ever put into words.

 

Matteo does so much thanking.

 

He showers, eats. He briefly cleans his room.

 

He checks in with Jonas and the boys, sends a message to Hanna and Amira.

All of them have been worried about him. They had reason to be. He’d been allusive lately. Distracted. Vague in his answers to questions.

He lets them know he’s good now. Because he is.

 

Everything feels lighter and it’s not just about David. Things in his life had been lining up for a while now. School was finishing up. Amira had helped him through studying. He and Hanna were reconnecting. Him and the boys had become so much closer since he came out, they truly were the best friends he could ever ask for.

 

The last thing was David and the unsurety.

 

With this latest puzzle piece he just felt like he could float away.

 

Contentment feels like losing gravity.

Good in every sense of the word.

Weightless.

 

But contentment also feels like gusto.

Motivation.

A sudden desire to stitch together all the loose ends in your life. Figure your shit out. Get it together.

A sudden surge to fully soak up and enjoy whatever life wants to throw you. Take life, by the reigns. Make that choice. No more passivity. This is all we get. Own it.

 

And he wants to do all of that, with David by his side. He wants to be there, for and with David.

 

He wants David.

Always, always wants David. _Always will._

 

His phone buzzes next to him. His arm moves under the covers, feels around until it collides with the device. He pulls it up to his face. Smiles.

 

David.

 

He answers.

 

“Hey.”

 

David inhales sharply.

 

“Hey.” Matteo can hear the smile. “Um… so…” David clears his throat. “How do you feel about going out of town with me and Laura?” He sighs. “To um, the funeral.”

 

Matteo’s brow furrows. David continues.

 

“I know it’s a lot to ask. And really weird to ask. But uh, I don’t wanna go alone, or um, at all, to be honest. But Laura thinks I should and I know I’d have her but I want you too and-”

 

“-David, of course.”

 

“Wait, really?”

 

“I said I’m in. However you want me. Or need me. I’m going.”

 

“Okay. Thanks, Teo.”

 

Matteo blushes at that. Soothing and startling, that nickname would never cease to leave him breathless.

 

“When do we leave?”

 

“Tomorrow.”

 

“Soon. Shit, okay. Yeah, that works.”

 

“Um. Laura’s driving. We’ll… pick you up? At seven, tomorrow morning?”

 

“Yeah, sure.”

 

“And she, uh, obviously still thinks we’re-”

 

“-Together, I know.” Matteo cuts him off. He smiles. “It’s less of a lie now.”

 

David huffs out a laugh. He’s smiling.

 

“Less, yeah.”

 

There’s a beat. Too much quiet, yet too much breathing. Matteo can feel every one of David’s exhales radiate through his entire body. Panging tension. Weighted, exciting. He clears his throat.

 

“How did telling her go?”

 

“She already knew. Should’ve known she would, her mom called her. She was mad. Hurt.” Matteo stills, waits for more. “She forgave me though. Too quickly. I don’t deserve it.”

 

“You do, though. It’s not like you were deliberately trying to hurt her. You were just trying to help yourself. The way you know how.”

 

David exhales, sharply. Like it’s knocked out of him.

 

“You… you’re amazing.” David speaks, breathlessly.

 

“It’s just the truth, trust me. I wish you thought more of yourself.” A pause. “I want to help you see you.” He swallows. “How I do.”

 

A noise escapes David’s throat. Matteo barely catches it, but it’s there and he can see the face that comes with it. The welling tears. It’s happened a few times before. Each time the urge to kiss him hitting him stronger, wanting to show him how… show him just how stunning, how magnificent and fuck, _perfect_ he is in Matteo’s eyes…

 

And he would this time. But phone and distance and, _fuck!_

 

“I love you.” It’s cried. Sighed. Broken but somehow still full. So believable it nearly knocks Matteo out.

 

“I love you too.”

 

Matteo hears rustling on the other end. Maybe Laura’s voice?

 

“Fuck, I have to go.”

 

“Okay.”

 

“I don’t want to.”

 

“I know.”

 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

“At seven.”

 

“Bye, Teo.”

 

“Bye.”

 

_So, so light._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What’s up y'all? I was so confused on how to move forward but I think I’ve got it now. Chapters should (emphasis on should) come out quicker from here on out…  
> Thank you for all your feedback on every chapter it always makes me smile SOOOO big and makes me wanna write the next one for you quickly because y'all deserve it. All the asks and comments and kudos is overwhelming, you’re all so sweet, ugh. You’re the best readers anyone could ask for, seriously.


	17. Chapter 17

Hey guys. 

I'm really sorry about abandoning this story. It's a pretty long story about what happened but I'll try to keep it short since we all know I have a tendency to just keep spewing until suddenly there's 4,000 words in front of me, lol. 

So writing this story was kind of a random decision for me. I've talked about how I don't write with a plan before but this was truly a perfect example of that. Usually it's fine because the story ends up finding me and that did happen with this.  
But I also have a pattern of getting really obsessed with things which fuels me to create content on a train of adrenaline but then adrenaline wears out and I become overwhelmed and then it's no longer fun and I take a break that eventually becomes permanent. Ugh.

I was (and am) so overwhelmed and flattered by the response to this story. And I was super excited because I'd never had such an outpouring of love about my writing before. But eventually as I saw the hits increase and increase I felt more and more pressure to please and perform and it all just became really intense and overwhelming and I stopped wanting to write. Since I had no plan in the beginning I would have to read all the chapters before I wrote a new one in order to avoid plot holes or things just not being cohesive. It was just a lot. So I took a step back. And then... I never came back. I'm really sorry about that.  
I checked the other day and saw that my story is like... the number five top Davenzi fan fiction on this site. That's so crazy and cool. And I would love to be able to finish this for you guys and for the record: I do plan to! I just need to find the passion for it again. Read it all through. Maybe make up a loose plan so I'm not going into it blind every time. I'll still let David and Matteo lead me, because when I spin out with them is when my best writing spills out of me.

Anyway, just wanted to update you guys and let y'all know I'm not dead or anything. And I haven't just ghosted y'all LMAO.  
I'll be back hopefully.   
And if I'm not, I hope you all still enjoy what I was able to give. Writing this was such an exciting few weeks of my life and it was so fun to interact with all of you and read all your comments. You guys gave me a lot of confidence in my writing and made me feel so appreciated. Thank you for that.   
<333 Much love.


End file.
